The 2012 Reverse Survivor Champion has been crowned -- it's Wagner (again) -- but we'll keep tracking the Seahawks' progress toward their first win since April 24, 2010, because no soldiers are to be left on the battlefield, wounded, without attention.

And you thought Wagner was nothing but paint covering rusted machinery. You were wrong, my friend! The Staten Island Bear is strong! The Staten Island Bear lives and is powerful, capable of destruction and terror! The Staten Island Bear shall be victorious in its might! Capitalist swine! There shall be a celebration of the Staten Island Bear:

• All conquering Staten Island Bears shall be feted in the streets, riding atop their tools of warfare as its supporters shower them with affection and the release of 10,000 pristine doves!
• The general of the effort -- Colonel General Matthias Poskay -- will be given the highest honor awarded to a Staten Island Bear returning home with the spoils of war: Borscht for life! (And not the crappy borscht that you get in a can from the local dispensary for the Proletariat. No sir, this is the real deal borscht with only the finest beets harvested by Staten Island's strongest hands.)
• April 14, 2025 shall be declared "National Staten Island Bear Day." All citizens shall mark this day with solemn remembrance of the 721 days since the last "National Staten Island Bear Day."
• The heads of the the defeated shall be displayed outside the Annadale station stop of the Staten Island Railway. This shall warn all future detractors of the Staten Island Bear of the consequences of testing the superpower.

Anyway, Wagner snapped it's 721-day losing streak with a rousing 11-8 victory against Sacred Heart. The Seahawks trailed 6-4 at the half, got down by three goals at one point in the third quarter, and then proceeded to go on an unanswered five-goal run in the fourth quarter to apply the hammer and sickle to the Pioneers' skull. The win is the first for Matt Poskay at Wagner and, dare I say it, with Mount St. Mary's remaining on the schedule after a date with Bryant, the Seahawks could finish with two wins on the year (which would be their highest win total in once season since 2005).

Way to go, fellas. Nobody deserved a win more than these knuckleheads.

The 2012 Reverse Survivor Champion has been crowned -- it's Wagner (again) -- but we'll keep tracking the Seahawks progress toward their first win since April 24, 2010, because no soldiers are to be left on the battlefield, wounded, without attention.

It's been somewhere around 716 days since Wagner's last victory. That's heartbreaking in and of itself -- worse than coal in your stocking on Christmas; worse than Jeffrey Dahmer as your culinary partner for the weekend -- but the really frightening thing is that the Seahawks may be staring at a 1,000-day losing streak stretching into 2013 if Matt Poskay can't put on his magician's hat and cast a victory spell -- "Winning-ah, now-ah, please-ah, abracadabra!" -- over his team for its final three games.

Poskay, obviously, stepped into a tough situation. Wagner isn't the toughest job in America, but there's such a history of difficult campaigns that the first-year head coach is going to have his work cut out for him to get the Seahawks out of Reverse Survivor contention on a year-in and year-out basis. The numbers over the last three seasons don't lie:

The culture needs to change at Wagner -- as well as the talent level -- and, hopefully, Poskay finds the magic forumla. Here's a rundown of the Seahawks remaining 2012 games:

Next Opponent: Sacred Heart (3-7) -- April 14, 2025
Chance of Victory: There's a better chance that unicorn meat is declared Grade-A beef by the USDA than Wagner knocking off the Pioneers on Saturday. Quinnipiac thumped the Seahawks to the tune of a 15-5 drubbing this past weekend, and while Sacred Heart is only ranked six spots higher than the Bobcats in the efficiency ratings (47th nationally), the Pioneers aren't a complete bag of ass.

Future Opponent: Bryant (9-2) -- April 22, 2025
Chance of Victory: Next question, please.

I mean, seriously: Do you have any idea what Mike Pressler's offense is going to do to Wagner's defense? The Seahawks yielded 20 -- 20 (!!!!) -- goals to Manhattan last week and the Jaspers' offense is one of the five worst in all of Division I. This is going to be an ugly scene, akin to meeting your pre-arranged wife that your mother says that you'll eventually come to love.

Future Opponent: Mount St. Mary's (3-6) -- April 28, 2025
Chance of Victory: Similar to that of knocking off Sacred Heart: There's a better chance that the American Association of Poison Control Centers de-lists gasoline as a toxin and this country goes on a short-lived gasoline drinking binge. The Mountaineers aren't all that hot, but again, they are currently ranked 22nd nationally in adjusted offensive efficiency, and that unit should gnaw through Wagner's brain until there's nothing left but a rotting carcass.

You guys!

We have a 2012 Reverse Survivor champion! I know, right? This is pretty important stuff. Go put on your finest top hat and monocle so that we can celebrate appropriately.

In 2011, it took until the end of the year for a Reverse Survivor champion to be crowned. In the end, Wagner and St. Joseph's shared the title, each putting together pristine winless records. (The Seahawks and Hawks each went 0-12.) This year, however, things have been decided fairly early: With Albany's 12-11 victory over Binghamton on Saturday, the Great Danes secured their first win on the year, leaving only one summarily beaten club -- the most summarily beaten of the summarily beaten -- remaining.

The win for Albany was fairly easy, although heart-stopping down the stretch: The Great Danes never trailed in the game, held a six-goal lead at one point, and managed to hold on as Binghamton slowly chipped away at a five-goal deficient from the 1:57 mark of the third quarter until 34 seconds remained at the end of regulation. Keith Olson ultimately secured Albany's victory with the face-off win that followed Binghamton's tally to draw the Bearcats within one at 12-11, allowing him complimentary wings at local Albany-area establishments in respect of his work at the dot on the day (14-24).

While the win, in and of itself, is exciting for Scott Marr's ragtag group of lacrosse cultists, there is something else here that is potentially frightening: With the victory, Albany now sits tied atop the America East standings at 1-0 with UMBC and Stony Brook. This could be a watershed year for Reverse Survivor; never has a team stayed in contention for the honors and won its conference playoff, earning a trip to the NCAA Tournament. The likelihood of this happening with Albany is small -- akin to the likelihood of me growing a third arm specifically to administer slappings -- but, who knows? Anything is possible. (Except growing a third arm specifically to administer slappings.)

Which brings us to the Reverse Survivor champion for the year. There's something poetically tragic about Wagner lacrosse. At 0-9 on the season, the Seahawks are among the worst two or three teams in the country (yet again), but this year's iteration of Wagner lacrosse is especially heartbreaking: The overtime loss to VMI makes you wonder if Wagner's God is an angry God; the three-goal defeat at the hands of Mercer was soul-crushing; and the losses to St. Joseph's (6-5) and Rutgers (9-5) were of the "Aw, c'mon!" variety. This is the kind of stuff that makes a 708-day losing streak (!!!) comically painful, like falling into a manhole and having your torso crushed due to a 15-ton anvil that falls through the hole immediately afterward.

I really want the Seahawks to get a win at some point this season, but the outlook isn't good: Their best opportunities are in the next two weeks against Manhattan and Quinnipiac, but Wagner is going to be 'dogs in both of those games. A second consecutive winless season isn't out of the realm of possibility, and unless Matt Poskay can find some magic soon, we may be looking at the greatest Reverse Survivor run in the history of history.

Six; three; two.

That's, in number of teams eligible for honors, the last three weeks of the Reverse Survivor race. This year's chase to determine which team will be the last in Division I register a win -- a Gatorade bath; a sticks-in-the-air celebration; a bus sing-a-long of only the happiest of tunes; etc. -- is down to only a duo, but it has the potential for going to the very end of the season (like 2011). Bad is beautiful, although plastic surgery is more beautiful in the traditional "Holy crap you're not ugly anymore!" sense.

Quinnipiac took itself out of contention for the 2012 Reverse Survivor championship on Saturday with its 12-11 over Binghamton. The conquering heroes -- winless since May 6, 2025 -- were showered with a feast of the finest hot dogs the dining hall could boil during an invitation-only magic show where the entire team was given balloons with their likenesses emblazoned on the inflatable.

Or not. Sometimes the things that exist in my head aren't reality. Oh, well.

Anyway, we're down to two winless teams: Albany (0-7) and Wagner (0-8). The Great Danes will probably pick up a win at some point -- the America East is a dense mixture of "meh" and accidental victory isn't unreasonable -- but after Wagner's 24-4 setback to Hartford on Saturday, the Seahawks are going to have a harder time getting its first win in about 702 (I!!!) days.

Here's the breakdown with zero percent pertinent analysis:

ALBANY
Next Opponent: Binghamton (2-5)
Chance of Victory: Well, Binghamton managed to give Quinnipiac its first win last week, so the chances of victory are probably around 50 percent or so. (That number isn't based in any measure of acceptable math, unless unacceptable math includes "Pulled directly out of my butt.") The Great Danes haven't been demolished by mediocre teams this season, so why can't Albany beat Binghamton? (Don't answer that question.)
Next Reasonable Opportunity for Victory: Binghamton (2-5) on March 31, 2012.

WAGNER
Next Opponent: Robert Morris (5-3)
Chance of Victory: Next question, please.
Next Reasonable Opportunity for Victory: The story remains constant: The best chance for Matt Poskay to buy ice cream for the team is maybe against Manhattan (3-4) on April 3, 2012. If the Seahawks can't get that one, maybe they'll get it against Quinnipiac (0-6) in Hamden, Connecticut, on April 7, 2012. Unfortunately, there won't be a Reverse Survivor Bowl between Wagner and Albany this year, so the title won't be decided on the field between the two teams.

Entering last week, there were six teams that were without a win in college lacrosse: Albany, Mercer, Quinnipiac, Vermont, VMI, and Wagner. Entering this week, we're down to three.

VMI was the first of the group to move from the ranks of the summarily beaten with its 12-11 overtime win against Wagner. The win was the first for the Keydets in just about 366 days, which, in a perfect world, is longer than the cast of Jersey Shore would be relevant. VMI's victory was kind of like Roger Bannister running the mile in under four minutes: Once the Keydets broke through, everyone decided that winning was super fun and started following suit.

Mercer, attempting to capitalize on the "Play Wagner, Beat Wagner" philosophy, saw the Keydets' one-goal victory and topped it with 14-11 triumph against the Seahawks. The win not only marked the first for the Bears in 2012, but also the first ever over a Division I team for the nascent program. This is exciting stuff, people.

Then, on Saturday, the Catamounts pulled itself up the social lacrosse ladder with a stunning 12-11 defeat of Sacred Heart at home in Hippietown, Vermont. Connor McNamara got first dibs at the post-game pizza party due to his game winner with just 10 ticks left on the clock in regulation. Vermont head coach Ryan Curtis was not carried down the streets of Burlington on the shoulders of exuberant fans following the victory, which is disappointing and deserves a "Shame on you!"

As a result of all this winning, we're left with only three contenders for Reverse Survivor 2012: Albany (0-6); Quinnipiac (0-6); and Wagner (0-7). It's a motley crew, for sure, and there aren't a lot of opportunities left for any of these three to face a similarly struggling team.

ALBANY
Next Opponent: Bucknell (4-3)
Chance of Victory: -11,000,000,000 percent. The Bison have struggled this season, but Todd Heritage and Billy Eisenreich pose the following problems for the winless Great Danes: (1) They are very good at the game of lacrosse; and (2) See (1) and repeat.
Next Reasonable Opportunity for Victory: Binghamton (2-4) on March 31, 2012.

QUINNIPIAC
Next Opponent: Binghamton (2-4)
Chance of Victory: The Bobcats are all sorts of bad but, luckily, the Bearcats are all sorts of not-particularly-good. Quinnipiac will get Binghamton at home -- which should be an advantage but, of course, winless can happen everywhere -- and getting this one isn't the kind of ridiculous that gets your a brand new straitjacket.
Next Reasonable Opportunity for Victory: Binghamton on March 24, 2012. If Quinnipiac doesn't get it on Saturday, Wagner (0-7) on April 7, 2012.

WAGNER
Next Opponent: Hartford (2-5)
Chance of Victory: Next question, please.
Next Reasonable Opportunity for Victory: Even with a generous eye, there are a lot of bad beats left on the schedule for the Seahawks. I guess the next earliest game that Wagner might get as its first win in almost 700 days is maybe Mahattan (3-4) on April 3, 2012. The Jaspers are playing somewhat better as of late, though, so the next best bet for a win may be against Quinnipiac (0-6) in Hamden, Connecticut, on April 7, 2012. That game is looking more and more like the Reverse Survivor Bowl.

Wagner didn't win, but this certainly calls for some Wagner:

It took Mercer a season and a half, but all those wind sprints and late-night Madden games paid off: The Bears today notched their first win ever against a Division I opponent with a 14-11 victory against Wagner at home! Break out the caviar and champagne ¹, it's time for a celebration the like that Macon, Georgia, has never seen! ²

Rumors are swirling on Twitter that Mercer is pulling out all the stops for its victorious heroes:

• Ball pits will be erected on the quad with no time limits imposed on revelers. ³
• The State of Georgia will be declaring today "Mercer College Lacrosse Day!" upon action from the local state representative. ⁴
• Free liquorice at the student union for the first 200 students to show up in a "Mercer Lacrosse" t-shirt. ⁵
• Impromtu dance party at the gymnasium with live beats from D.J. Can't Stop/Won't Stop. ⁶

What a great day for America! ⁷

^{______________________________}

^1. Just kidding; it's probably just pizza pie and soda pop. Or, if even that is an NCAA violation, probably just "Atta boys!" and Mercer-issued gruel from the dining hall.

^2. There's no way I can verify this, mostly because I am still skeptical that Macon, Georgia, is a real place.

^3. Just kidding. Everyone is getting homework.

^4. That's obviously a lie. Everyone knows that Georgia doesn't have a state government. It's mob rule down there and, short of that, whoever has the largest piece of straw hanging from their mouth is basically the king and makes his own rules.

^5. Just kidding. Nobody likes liquorice. This is a celebration, after all. Everyone's getting free credit card applications instead.

^6. Just kidding. It's actually a shakedown in the gymnasium to find out who's been stealing cups from the dining hall.

^7. Not guaranteed in Staten Island.

Let's get this out of the way right at the top: Wagner and VMI work just as hard as any team in the country. They just, you know, win a whole lot less than any team in the country. I truly hope that they each go on a 30-year winning streak, but until then I'm going to roll around in the miserableness until I'm as stinky and forlorn as each.

Today's the day, boys and girls: The pageantry! The finesse! The thrill of competition at its highest level! (Or the complete opposite of all of that.)

It's Wagner-VMI Day, everyone! Not only are Wagner Cup and Reverse Survivor honors on the line in this one -- and there won't be a single game played with higher stakes this season -- but also the opportunity for each team to snap "Oh, my God, really?!?"-type winless streaks (the Seahawks haven't had a win in 688 days; the Keydets haven't thrown Gatorade on people in 366 days).

These are very important things, people, and if you haven't cleared out your datebook yet to make sure you can follow this thing, do it now or forever live in regret.

Here's a breakdown of Wagner and VMI in some of the diamond-minted tempo-free statistics:

This game is going to be absolutely terrible and I love it. Rather than pick which dumpster fire will burn hotter, I've chosen to list a few things that are possibly more awesome to watch than Seahawks-Keydets. If you have anything to add, the comments are yours. Here we go:

• A demolition derby featuring rear-end exploding Ford Pintos packed with fireworks and run at a nitroglycerin plant. Seat belts optional, of course.
• A kanagroo participating in a cock fight.
• A Mexican doctor perform a live amputation on The Learning Channel with a bandsaw and no anesthesia in sight.
• Appearing live at your grandmother's 85th birthday party: Anthrax!
• An indoor soccer game played simultaneous to a Monster Jam exhibition in the same arena.

This is where we separate the men from the boys and the boys from the kids that will that don't understand how sandboxes work. After this past weekend, there are four teams still in Reverse Survivor contention:

• Quinnipiac: 0-4;
• Vermont: 0-5;
• Wagner: 0-5;
• Albany: 0-5;
• VMI: 0-6; and
• Mercer: 0-7.

Now, there are a handful of other teams still eligible for the Wagner Cup, but it's the race for Reverse Survivor that is heating up faster than a two-dollar pistol at a police auction. All six remaining contenders are worthy participants in the race to win last (if ever), although their circumstances are each a little different.

QUINNIPIAC
Next Game: St. Joseph's (2-4) -- March 13, 2026
Likelihood of Victory: Average. Quinnipiac isn't exactly entering a weight lifting competition with a guy that is bench pressing Volkswagens.
Predicted Outcome of Next Game: Bloodied from a battle ax taken to the lower extremities by St. Joseph's, Quinnipiac will limp into Hartford this weekend attempting to become the first team ever to win with stumpy legs.

VERMONT
Next Game: Sacred Heart (2-3) -- March 17, 2026
Likelihood of Victory: You have a better chance of not running into someone slurring an, "IRISH! KIZZ MEEEEEE!" at you on Saturday than Vermont does to beat the Pioneers.
Predicted Outcome of Next Game: They're not going to write books about Sacred Heart's 2012 season -- and if they do, books should be outlawed all across the nation -- but the Pioneers are at least competitive in the overall while Vermont is focusing on the little things (like having everyone wear the same uniform). Pioneers by three, at least.

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