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Wagner-VMI: This is Your Moment of Majesty, College Lacrosse

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Let's get this out of the way right at the top: Wagner and VMI work just as hard as any team in the country. They just, you know, win a whole lot less than any team in the country. I truly hope that they each go on a 30-year winning streak, but until then I'm going to roll around in the miserableness until I'm as stinky and forlorn as each.

Today's the day, boys and girls: The pageantry! The finesse! The thrill of competition at its highest level! (Or the complete opposite of all of that.)

It's Wagner-VMI Day, everyone! Not only are Wagner Cup and Reverse Survivor honors on the line in this one -- and there won't be a single game played with higher stakes this season -- but also the opportunity for each team to snap "Oh, my God, really?!?"-type winless streaks (the Seahawks haven't had a win in 688 days; the Keydets haven't thrown Gatorade on people in 366 days).

These are very important things, people, and if you haven't cleared out your datebook yet to make sure you can follow this thing, do it now or forever live in regret.

Here's a breakdown of Wagner and VMI in some of the diamond-minted tempo-free statistics:

Pace 62.00 (52) 66.50 (39)
Possession Margin -7.60 (59) 0.17 (28)
Adjusted Off. Efficiency 17.52 (59) 16.41 (61)
Adjusted Def. Efficiency 40.26 (60) 38.21 (58)
Adjusted Eff. Margin -22.74 (61) -21.79 (59)
Offensive Shooting % 21.24% (57) 21.13% (58)
Defensive Shooting % 31.98% (41) 34.04% (55)
Off. Shots/Possession 0.83 (54) 0.71 (60)
Def. Shots/Possession 1.28 (61) 1.18 (57)
Off. Assist Rate 0.07 (61) 0.08 (60)
Def. Assist Rate 0.21 (56) 0.26 (59)
Faceoff Percentage 36.84% (54) 55.73% (16)
Clearing Percentage 71.93% (59) 78.95% (46)
Opp. Clearing Percentage 89.61% (57) 88.89% (55)

This game is going to be absolutely terrible and I love it. Rather than pick which dumpster fire will burn hotter, I've chosen to list a few things that are possibly more awesome to watch than Seahawks-Keydets. If you have anything to add, the comments are yours. Here we go:

  • A demolition derby featuring rear-end exploding Ford Pintos packed with fireworks and run at a nitroglycerin plant. Seat belts optional, of course.
  • A kanagroo participating in a cock fight.
  • A Mexican doctor perform a live amputation on The Learning Channel with a bandsaw and no anesthesia in sight.
  • Appearing live at your grandmother's 85th birthday party: Anthrax!
  • An indoor soccer game played simultaneous to a Monster Jam exhibition in the same arena.