Burdick Resigns from Providence; Hoya Suxa to Friars: "I'm Available"

PEW! PEW! PEW! PINK SLIP/LETTER OF RESIGNATION GUN!

Programs are racking up head coaching kills all over the place. I hope that people realize that highest score probably doesn't win. (I think. Is there a seedy underground competition between athletic directors where they compete to see how many coaches they can fire/get to resign/force people into spending more time with their family? That'd be something else, I tell you. Also, I want in on that action.)

Providence College is the latest program to hang a vacancy sign over their lacrosse offices after Chris Burdick let the school know that his days of gym teaching at the school were over:

It was announced today that Chris Burdick has resigned as the men's lacrosse coach at Providence College. Burdick coached the Friars for 14 seasons. A national search to find his successor will begin immediately.

"I want to thank Chris for all his efforts and wish him the best in his future endeavors," Athletics Director Bob Driscoll said. "I believe our lacrosse program has a strong foundation and we are poised to move ahead into a new era in Friar lacrosse. We are about to begin construction on a new lacrosse stadium and a locker room facility. That combined with the fact that the BIG EAST is one of the premier conferences in the nation for lacrosse should make this a very appealing head coaching position."

Since 2005, Burdick guided the Friars to a 43-81 record, including a winless campaign in 2010. Providence hasn't had a winning record since 2006 and only holds five wins in the last three seasons. That's . . . well . . . I'm not really sure what to say. At least Providence wasn't shut out twice in the same season like Manhattan, right? That has to count for something, right? (I'm just pissing in the wind here. I have no clue.)

Regardless of Providence's recent struggles, I'm still throwing my hat in the ring:

Mr. Bob Driscoll
Athletics Director
Providence College
One Cunningham Square
Providence, Rhode Island 02918

RE: Head Coach Vacancy -- Men's Lacrosse

Dear Future Employer That Will Hire and Then Eventually Fire Me:

My name is Hoya Suxa. You probably already know that, though, as I'm a huge Internet celebrity. If you'd like a signed 8x10 glossy of my head shot, please send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to my return address and I'll make your office infinitely more adorable.

Anyway, I understand that you're looking for a new head men's lacrosse coach. Well, let me tell you something: Due to my parents being ridiculous huckleberries from Southern New England, I have a nasty Rhode Island accent. I know all about taking things to "the cleanahs" and putting all my preserves "down cellah." In fact, this is my Bible:

So, I think we'd be a match made in heaven. If you refuse, I know a guy that knows a guy that owns a waste management facility, if you get my drift.

Best,

Hoya Suxa