2012 NCAA Lacrosse Tournament: Quarterfinals, as Told by TV Guide

If you're like me -- named Matt and having a fear of children because they're alien beings with a genetic disposition to poop and want things -- then you probably have a lot of friends that have no idea about this whole college lacrosse thing. It can be hard to sell them on watching a game that, to them, is just 20 guys holding jousting weaponry without a horse.

What I've found, however, is that if you sell them the game through something they know it's easier to get them to come along for the fun. As everyone pretty much likes television (despite the fact that it is crushing all of our brains and turning us into the robots that will eventually enslave us all), I like to employ the TV Guide method of persuasion: Unabashed up-selling with little context to reality, all written at a fourth-grade level of interest-generation.

It's sleazy, sure, but it's not like I shorted a bad investment that I encouraged my pals to make, resulting in catastrophic losses on their end and a windfall retirement fund for me. Lacrosse is just too big to fail; it's a fact.

So, if you're in a similar situation to the one that I'm in, just steal the stuff below -- I mean, you're going to steal the stuff anyway; at least you have permission this time -- and watch your game watches and pilgrimages to Annapolis and Philadelphia grow to unimaginable numbers! (Estimated.)

Annapolis Regional

12:00 ESPN2: Maryland at Johns Hopkins -- WESTERN

Two old adversaries meet again after a period of detente. To settle the scores of 108 prior conflicts, the Terrapins and Blue Jays have agreed to a duel: Lacrosse sticks at 110 yards at high noon. It's a grudge match that has defined the formerly barren landscape; the only question is whether this is the end of the blood feud or just another chapter.

2:30 ESPN2: Denver at Loyola -- POLICE DRAMA

The last time we saw Denver and Loyola, the Greyhounds escaped the pursuit of Denver in a wild chase that saw the Pioneers lose the scent of the case, pick up a clue, and eventually see Loyola elude them at the end. Denver has had the renegade Greyhounds within their grasp twice this season; will today be the day that the Pioneers finally get the collar they've worked so hard to get or will Loyola continue on its vigilante run?

Philadelphia Regional

12:00 ESPNU: Virginia at Notre Dame -- COMEDY

Laughs for the whole family! Virginia has the spark to get out and see the world while Notre Dame is happy to just kind of stay in and have a TV dinner. It's like they don't even know each other! A tribute to Neil Simon's Odd Couple without, of course, the threat of suicide!

2:30 ESPNU: Colgate at Duke -- ADVENTURE/KUNG-FU

Badass ass-kicking with throwing stars and stuff. 'Nough said.