Mangan Resigns from Lafayette; Hoya Suxa to Leopards: "I'm Available"

Well, that escalated quickly.

First, Tim McIntee was sent to a farm in Pennsylvania where he could roam free with all the other animals (at least that's what my mother told me); now, Lafayette head man Terry Mangan has stepped down from his perch atop the Leopards lacrosse program:

Following his 10th season at the helm of the Lafayette men’s lacrosse program, Terry Mangan has stepped down as the Leopards’ Head Coach.

“Terry is a valuable asset to our lacrosse program and community,” Director of Athletics Bruce McCutcheon said. “I am saddened by his decision to leave Lafayette. He will be difficult to replace.”

Mangan will serve as the Regional Director for PreGame Lacrosse, a national recruiting education and evaluation service, which was founded in 2011 by former college lacrosse coaches Jim Stagnitta and Tony Seaman. Mangan’s resignation becomes effective June 1, 2012.

Lafayette, because consultants can't consult unless they are given wide consulting responsibilities associated with the profession of consulting, will begin a national search for a new shining beacon of hope starting immediately. Which, if you haven't gotten a call yet, probably means that you won't be offered the job. That's the thing with immediacy; it's immediate.

Regardless of Lafayette's already underway coaching search, I'm throwing my hat in the ring:

Mr. Bruce McCutcheon
Director of Athletics
Kirby Sports Center
Pierce & Hamilton Streets
Easton, Pennsylvania 18042

RE: Head Coach Vacancy -- Men's Lacrosse

Dear Future Employer That I Will Steal Paper Clips From:

My name is Hoya Suxa. Do you know how to bury a body? I'm asking for a friend.

Anyway, I saw through my Internet computing machine that you need a new head men's lacrosse coach. I also saw that you're not making the decision through a blind raffle, which is disappointing because I'm really due to win one of those things. Are you willing to reconsider your hiring approach? I can loan you one of those church bingo ball machines if you need one. Just let me know.

Regarding the merits of my candidacy for your vacant gym teach position, I think that I can really do great things for the Leopards. Here's just a sample of my capabilities:

• Every single day of my existence I have woken up. You really can't put a value on being a living human being, and I have to say that my perfect track record is nothing to scoff at.
• People say that you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar, but my guiding principle in life has been that you attract more flies with 12-hour wind sprints and bench pressing Volkswagens than you can with vinegar. I'm not really sure what that has to do with anything, but I have a violent allergy to vinegar.
• I'm not saying that I know how to have Lehigh "accidentally" radar-locked on a laser-guided missile from an Air Force stealth fighter performing a routine sortie over Eastern Pennsylvania; I'm just saying that I know people who know about these kinds of things. Think about it.

I anxiously await your extension of a contract offer. Also, please don't write the contract in vinegar on account of my violent vinegar allergy.

Best,

Hoya Suxa