Mercer Gets Its First Ever Win Against a Division I Opponent!

Wagner didn't win, but this certainly calls for some Wagner:

It took Mercer a season and a half, but all those wind sprints and late-night Madden games paid off: The Bears today notched their first win ever against a Division I opponent with a 14-11 victory against Wagner at home! Break out the caviar and champagne ¹, it's time for a celebration the like that Macon, Georgia, has never seen! ²

Rumors are swirling on Twitter that Mercer is pulling out all the stops for its victorious heroes:

• Ball pits will be erected on the quad with no time limits imposed on revelers. ³
• The State of Georgia will be declaring today "Mercer College Lacrosse Day!" upon action from the local state representative. ⁴
• Free liquorice at the student union for the first 200 students to show up in a "Mercer Lacrosse" t-shirt. ⁵
• Impromtu dance party at the gymnasium with live beats from D.J. Can't Stop/Won't Stop. ⁶

What a great day for America! ⁷

^{______________________________}

^1. Just kidding; it's probably just pizza pie and soda pop. Or, if even that is an NCAA violation, probably just "Atta boys!" and Mercer-issued gruel from the dining hall.

^2. There's no way I can verify this, mostly because I am still skeptical that Macon, Georgia, is a real place.

^3. Just kidding. Everyone is getting homework.

^4. That's obviously a lie. Everyone knows that Georgia doesn't have a state government. It's mob rule down there and, short of that, whoever has the largest piece of straw hanging from their mouth is basically the king and makes his own rules.

^5. Just kidding. Nobody likes liquorice. This is a celebration, after all. Everyone's getting free credit card applications instead.

^6. Just kidding. It's actually a shakedown in the gymnasium to find out who's been stealing cups from the dining hall.

^7. Not guaranteed in Staten Island.