I work hard every day of my life,
I work till I ache my bones.
At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own.
I get down on my knees,
And I start to pray,
Till the tears run down from my eyes.
Lord, somebody . . . somebody,
Can anybody find me, somebody to love?
- Queen (the band, not the wife of the monarch)
There are some lonely lacrosse teams out there, boys and girls. I figure, as an authority on match-making (or, at least tolerating-making), it's time for College Crosse to start listing some of the personal ads that the nation's Division I teams have been sending my way. I didn't even know that the site had this as a side business -- This truly is the most important Internet site on the world's computing machines! -- but who am I to deny love? Everyone needs somebody to love, after all.
PERSONAL AD I
Lacrosse team seeking someone that enjoys hope and wishfulness. We can't afford fancy dinners or nights out on the town, but we'll try our damndest to make it work! Been through a few years of tough times, but we're determined to turn things around! Like they say, it's always darkest before dawn! We're not handsome in the traditional sense -- failure tends to wear down a man to the point of physical depreciation -- but, by golly, we have a big ol' heart!
PERSONAL AD II
We're not going to lie: We need some action. Like, we really need some action now. All our friends are kind of ragging on us because we can't score, and we need to get on the horse andride to show them what kind of team we are. Serious interest only, please. Please, no prostitutes as it goes against our religion.
PERSONAL AD III
Recently received some tough news from our doctor: We're shooting blanks. Well, that's not exactly true. We're apparently only able to connect on 22.6 percent of our shots. It caused our long-term girlfriend to break up with us; that's the circle of life -- or lack thereof -- we suppose. (Admittedly, she said that we were too defensive about everything, but when you have the issue that we have, we're obviously going to be defensive. She was pretty selfish, now that I think about it.) We're very interested in trying to make this work with someone, but they'll need a degree of patience.
Also: If anyone has a referral to a good fertility doctor, hit us up!
PERSONAL AD IV
We don't always play by the rules, and sometimes we like it rough. And you'll need to like it rough and outside the accepted rules of play, too, because nobody likes breaking the rules more than us. Oftentimes, we like to bend the rules to the point where we need to sit out, sometimes, more than anybody we've ever met recently. Seriously: If you get with us, you're going to need to shout "Oklahoma!" a bunch and make us calm down for a minute or so.
However, despite our growing interest in anarchy, we're better now than we've been all decade. Serious interest only, please, as many may not be prepared for our proclivity for sometimes crossing the line.