Part I
Part II
Part III

Here's a little background on what's going on here:

• Lehigh put together a little questionnaire for its lacrosse team to fill out. The school then appended the responses to each player's biographical profile on the team's website.
• 18-22 year-olds tend to yield response results that make you scratch your head and wonder whether whether we, as a country, should require 18-22 year-olds to play with unstable things that explode.
• I'm sure that all these gentlemen will grow into fine young scholars and citizens. I know this because I didn't and the law of averages is a thing.

Lehigh updated a bunch of profiles since the last installment of this nonsense. Selected responses -- with vitally important addendums from me -- follow immediately below.

CODY FERRARO, ATTACK

Dream Job: Country music star/professional hunter

I don't read this as Ferraro wanting to be a country music star or a professional hunter. I read this as Ferraro wanting to be a country music star and professional hunter. It really is the noblest of all dual professions when you think about it, owning an instrument with the body of a banjo and the neck being the barrel of a shotgun:

"Let's tune up, boys! I'll play a 'C' so that you all can get the pitch. *BLAMMO!* Dammit, I just killed Ted. The 'C' string is the trigger. I should've known that. My bad. Even professionals make mistakes sometimes. I shouldn't have brought my hunting banjo. I'm such a blockhead. Alrighty, the first song tonight is, My Kids Stole My Budweiser and My Best Deer Head Was Stolen From My Ranch. Lot of sentimental value in that one and you might die because it's in the key of 'C.' Don't worry though, boys. I'm a pro. A-one and a-two and-a you know what to do. . . ."

Has anyone ever graced the cover of Outdoor USA and Country Weekly at the same time? I reckon Ferraro offing his bassist with a hunting banjo would just about accomplish that task. Lehigh: Building deadly trailblazers in various industries that should never be combined since 1865.^TM

SAM LAWRENCE, MIDFIELD

Talent I'd Most Like to Have: Read minds

I know what you mean, man. Sometimes when I'm pitching a prospect for work I'm, like, "Why did that guy stab me with his pen? I didn't even know it was his daughter, man!"

This response, though, does raise an interesting issue relative to Lehigh lacrosse: Is Kevin Cassese, basically, Professor Xavier, pulling together a freak show of justice/wanton destruction? We have Sam Lawrence that wants to know that you're thinking about what your body would look like if it had alligator arms and your head was actually replaced with a watermelon allowing you to shoot seeds out of your "mouth." Then there's midfielder Tom Farrell who wants the power of teleportation. I'm not sure that I'm comfortable watching mutant lacrosse. It's just not my thing.

Part I
Part II

Here's a little background on what's going on here:

• Lehigh put together a little questionnaire for its lacrosse team to fill out. The school then appended the responses to each player's biographical profile on the team's website.
• 18-22 year-olds tend to yield response results that make you scratch your head and wonder whether whether it's a violation of Roe v. Wade to try and abort an 18-22 year-old.
• Despite the fact that I have two degrees and clients rely on me to ensure that their millions of dollars aren't burned like corporate-sponsored alligator wrestling, these Mountain Hawks are probably better suited to survive in contemporary society than me.

Lehigh updated a bunch of profiles since the last installment of this nonsense. Selected responses -- with vitally important addendums from me -- follow immediately below.

JIMMY CAHILL, MIDFIELD

Major & Why:Mechanical Engineering. I chose MECH because I like a bit of a challenge and I have always enjoyed problem solvingl

It takes a special kind of sociopath to believe that mechanical engineering -- the undergraduate major of science savant Bill Nye -- is a "bit" of a challenge. Mechanical engineering is hard; you have to buy books and know how to work a fancy calculator and probably pay attention to the materials more than, say, never. If Cahill was truly looking for a "bit" of a challenge and wanted some exposure to problem solving, I suggest the following majors:

• Child and Family Studies: Challenge -- Child wants things all the time and is a terrible brat; Resolution -- Package him in a 4x6 FedEx box and send him to uninhabited Russia in a barter for an adorable Siberian Husky from a local trader. Problem solved in 30 seconds. Off to Applebee's for a taste of the local flavor.
• Classics: Challenge -- Deciphering Gellius' Adrocles and attempting to apply its principles to the modern day macroeconomic climate of global financing; Resolution-- Drawing a gold coin with one of those red "Do Not" symbols around it because nobody cares what Gellius wrote or that Adrocles isn't a particular kind of eyeglass. Problem solved in 15 seconds with Microsoft Paint. Time to try and eat a bucket full of Jolly Ranchers.
• Public Health: Challenge -- Studying the impact of urban growth on public water supplies; Resolution -- Get drunk in Houston, piss in a storm sewer, and when arrested tell the officer that you're "conducting important research." Problem solved in 2-4 hours and a night in county lock-up for public urination.

NOAH MOLNAR, MIDFIELD

Dream Job: Son in Law

You and me both, man. Finding a sugar momma is a better career decision than, like, busting your ass for 30 years only to drop dead at your cubicle farm desk of despair, your work friends completely ignorant of the fact that you are now a former human being because they wanted to dodge you instead of being forced into an awkward conversation about happy hour plans that may or may not be happening.

Coach Wray and Team Canada Make history today by handing the USA their first loss in tournament history.

— SJU Hawks Men's Lax (@SJUHawks_MLax) July 14, 2025

Taylor Wray, head coach of the St. Joseph's Hawks, is heading up Canada's U-19 efforts at the FIL World Lacrosse Championship in Turku, Finland. Wray, a Canadian head-flapper born in Alberta, has been taking advantage of the unmatched awesomeness of the United States of America for over a decade -- first as a lacrosse player at Duke, then as an assistant coach at Lehigh University, and finally as the head coach of Philadelphia's most Hawk-mascoted institution of higher learning.

And until last Saturday, when the Canucks snapped the USA's 37-game unbeaten streak in U-19 play, we never knew that he was a sleeper agent sited in a Pennsylvania cell to push the agenda of Big Canadian Lacrosse. This threat against American security and lacrosse supremacy cannot stand, especially when its being directed by a nefarious member of the American collegiate lacrosse system. Action must be taken and it must be definitive, swift, and strong enough to provide the appropriate deterrent effect to protect the interests of American lacrosse.

For his sins against the country to which he is permitted to collect a paycheck to supplement his dastardly deeds, I propose the following list of punishments to ensure that such un-American activities are no longer undertaken:

• He will be forced to drink 16 gallons of concentrated high fructose corn syrup in order to disavow his Canadian proclivities and become a true American.
• He will be forced to write a scathing article in Food From Delicious Pigs Weekly denouncing Canadian bacon as a proper bacon product. He will write the article with a piece of freedom-loving American bacon using the grease drippings as his ink.
• He will receive electroshock therapy to erase the word "tuque" from his personal lexicon until he starts calling the headwear its proper American name: "Stupid hat thing."
• He will be forced to purchase from one of America's fine motoring manufacturers an American muscle car to replace his soon-to-be-burned current mode of transport: A dogsled saddled with Moosehead Light.
• He will be prohibited from putting maple syrup in his personal water bottle. That stuff has mind control properties.

Should Wray continue with his affront toward the country that saved him from the cold and put food on his table, more punishments will be dictated as necessary.

Over the past week you've probably seen advertisements or ran out and bought EA's NCAA Football 13. That's all grand and dandy, as it's always a fun game to play and build up your school's team for domination. But you're a die-hard lacrosse fan. That's probably why you're reading this. And that's probably why you've run into at least one "WHY ISN'T THERE A COLLEGE LACROSSE VIDEO GAME BESIDES COLLEGE LACROSSE 2012 ON XBOX I HAVE A PLAYSTATION WHY CAN'T I PLAY AS MY (Duke Blue Devils/Syracuse Orange/Johns Hopkins Blue Jays) WHY WHY WHY?!?" thread on the Inside Lacrosse message boards per week.

Well I've got news for you. Good news even! I've come from the FUTURE to share my review for the new video game NCAA Lacrosse 201X (I'm not giving away the year, sillyheads, that ruins the surprise) by EA/2K/Whatever else just not THQ. For this review I'll make you all assume it's an EA Sports product because they make NCAA Football. Anyway it's got a super sick cover with some guy on it. Like, he probably hasn't even committed yet in 2012 but he put up huge numbers at ACC school/Hopkins/Princeton/Cornell/Denver in the FUTURE so you'll know who I'm talking about soon.

Everybody's talking about NCAA Football 13's new feature where you get to put Heisman winners on any team. So like you can do things like put Desmond Howard on Ohio State or Tim Tebow on Georgia or something like that. Well, NCAA Lacrosse 1X right off the bat has something like that for you, Mr. Sadist. So yeah, you can do ridiculously sacrilegious things like putting Paul Rabil on Maryland, Casey and Mikey Powell on Princeton (if I go back into my time machine to 2002 Central New York's so gonna nuke Central New Jersey when I tell them that thought), or Matt Danowski on Virginia. So yeah, fun times all around.

Continue reading this post »

In case you missed this the first time around (for infinite shame if you did), here's a little background:

• Lehigh put together a little questionnaire for its lacrosse team to fill out their player profiles.
• 18-22 year-olds tend to yield response results that make you scratch your head and wonder whether wolves would be better secondary educators than actual human beings.
• I'm kind of falling in love with the Mountain Hawks and their adorably violent lacrosse team. (It's all strictly platonic, however. I'm not creepy or anything. Seriously. We're just frien . . . WHY DON'T YOU RETURN MY PHONE CALLS ANY MORE, LEHIGH?!? I WANT TO SMOTHER YOU WITH MORE-THAN-FRIENDSHIP HUGS! YOU KNOW ME! C'MON! Anyway. . . .)

Lehigh has put out another round or two of updated player profiles, fresh with answers to the questionnaire that make you question whether there should even be a human condition. The best of the bunch -- with vitally important addendums from me -- follow immediately below.

MATT SMITH, MIDFIELD/ATTACK

Talent I’d Most Like To Have: To be able to karate chop cinder blocks.

You all thought I was two steps away from face-eating when I mourned the lack of ninjas in college lacrosse. Well, guess what, college boy: Me and Matt Smith are going to totally remake the face of college lacrosse and you're not even going to know that we're doing it because ninja lacrosse is covert like that.

• Step one is to learn how to karate chop cinder blocks. Naturally. This has important implications on ninjafied lacrosse, not the least of which is overcoming cinder blocks that opponents may have on their person. (Which gives me a great idea for wind sprint techinque and theory, but that's probably a different story for a different day.)
• Step two is to learn how to use throwing stars legally. I'm assuming that we'll be able to use our new karate chopping ability to making a convincing karate-chop-to-the-neck argument to the rules committee to pass the throwing stars motion.
• Step three is Gatorade baths and victory parades where we karate chop all the traffic ahead of us to make way for our float. Also: unlimited cuddling time with panda bears because, I think, that's what lethal college lacrosse champions are entitled to.

KYLE STIEFEL, MIDFIELD

I Wear My Jersey Number Because: I am a pure shooter, I shoot over 100 mph, the ball is the bullet and my stick is an "A-K 47." Each shot is like a bullet out of an "A-K 47."

May I humbly suggest, Mr. Stiefel, that you consider getting your hands on a College Crosse Sniper from College Crosse Industries, Ltd. It's the finest lacrosse stick/felony-for-possessing piece of equipment on the market today.

Now, this also raises an interesting issue: if Stiefel were to study or play abroad and transport his stick with him, would this violate international trade restrictions on small arms? While tragic, becoming the first lacrosse player to draw the ire of INTERPOL is kind of a badge of honor.

Of course, Stiefel could be a jihadist guerilla that is somehow presenting a wayward fight against Lafayette with a deadly weapon, which means this is more an FBI issue than an international one requiring intervention from an international police organization. Who knows? I barely know the guy.

So, Lehigh put together a little questionnaire for its lacrosse team to fill out their player profiles. These "Get to Know" pieces are, for the most part, your standard issue list of questions: "Why do you wear your number?"; "What do you like best about Lehigh?"; etc.

What makes the responses especially interesting, though, isn't necessarily the questions but rather that they're being asked to 18-22 year olds. And, because humanity works like a bum looking to knock over a Duane Reade to get his hands on some mouthwash and the cheapest drunk since trying to make bathtub gin with water, juniper, while nursing the nastiest hangover since that night of green cheese and toilet wine, 18-22 year-olds tend to yield results that make you scratch your head and wonder whether wolves would be better secondary educators than actual human beings.

These are serious societal concerns. These windows into the youth of America -- the future of the country until the robots take over and enslave us all to make computer chip appetizers for them -- are the kind of material that anthropologists will write important papers on that nobody will read. For me, though, these little beauties are the stuff that makes the pageviews turn like a toteboard at a telethon. Hot cha-cha.

Here are a few selected beauties from the reponses that Lehigh has already published.

TOM FARRELL, MIDFIELD

Talent I’d Most Like To Have: Teleportation

Well, duh. Who wouldn't want teleportation? Unfortunately, as America is lazy and more concerned with inventing things like the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt, we'll likely never know whether teleportation is the cure to the pace issue currently plaguing college lacrosse.

DANTE FANTONI, ATTACK

Dream Job: Host of Man vs. Food

Or, as the position is listed on Monster.com: "Dead in 10 Years." Best of luck to your formerly working arteries.

ANDREW MOWER, MIDFIELD

Favorite TV Show: NCIS

When the hell did Kevin Cassese start recruiting 60 year olds to fill out his roster? I'm assuming that any practice that starts around 4:30 P.M. is really eating into Mower's dinner time. There's just one question that I have left: How the hell does Mower play through the midfield while also riding on his Rascal scooter? That has to be an inflammation to his sciatica.

GRIFFIN FARHA, GOALIE

Favorite Class at Lehigh: History 351: Gangs of New York with Professor Roger Simon

You can take a class in wearing track suits at Lehigh? Neat!

KLAY HESTON, ATTACK and MATT POILLON, GOALIE

If I Had $1 Billion, I Would: Buy a huge yacht.
If I Had $1 Billion, I Would: Buy a billion dollar house.

Me? I'd buy a billion dollars worth of ingredients to make a billion dollars worth of jalapeno poppers (no taxes apply to that kind of investment). So, look not at Heston and Poillon as reasons that Social Security is totally screwed; look at them as reasonable consumers that don't actually purchase a white elephant because the clean-up costs are prohibitive.

That is a picture of mascots -- and a mascot-type thing (more on that later) -- playing lacrosse. I imagine that this is what watching lacrosse is like if you've taken serious head trauma and are now living in a reality where everything around you is an acid test given by the government to try and find a new truth serum or flat tax or something. Basically it's terrifying and hilarious and probably shouldn't involve the use of heavy machinery.

There's all kinds of important things going on in the image:

• Georgetown is disappointingly in the back of the pack, as usual.
• The guy in the white shirt in the blurry background -- He seems far too upset with what's happening in front of him, throwing his arms up in total disgust. "Pick up the damn ball! What's the matter with you idiots?! I'm never wagering on mascot lacrosse again! God!"
• The caption to the image reads: "Mascots from area colleges play a lacrosse game before the game. . . ." Which reminds me: I almost enrolled at Pizza Planet University. The course work in "Making Soggy Garbage" is sublime if not sophisticated. Alas, I had to choose a different institution of higher learning as I just couldn't bring myself to claim as a potential alma mater a school that has as a mascot a terrible genetic experiment that spliced a human with an Everything pie. It's just creepy to see a pizza with human arms and legs, strengthening the fear of playing God and the perils of accelerating evolution.
• You're not even paying attention, Doc. The ball is careening away and Towson's mascot is just staring off in the distance, slack-jawed and just happy to be out of confinement. Shawn Nadelen is going to make him run wind sprints until Doc gets it through his stupid tiger head that hustle plays are what separates good mascots from great ones.

Otherwise it's, you know, a pretty standard snapshot of American lacrosse.

I grew up on the East Coast; I'm an East Coast guy, through and through.

I like not using a knife and fork to eat my pizza, mostly because it's pizza and what the hell is the matter with the rest of you people that are using utensils and ruining America? I enjoy the water and boats and sitting in traffic until my eyes bleed because of population density. I like living between 75 preparatory schools that all seem to have graduated a President at some point in their history. I frequently wonder what the hell people see in anything in that vast nothingness west of New Jersey, mostly because I only own maps that point to Newport, Rhode Island.

I never understood the allure of the Midwest, nor did I understand why the United States hasn't sold it to Canada for spare parts. Until now:

Thanks for the upgrade Hertz. #AmericanMuscle twitter.com/JohnPaulUM/sta…

— John Paul (@JohnPaulUM) June 12, 2025

When can I sign my National Letter of Intent?