Good news, everyone! I know exactly how the NCAA Tournament is going to turn out. It's true! Doing it was simple:

• First, I downloaded the bracket image from this internet computing page.
• Second, I opened Microsoft Paint (or, as I like to call it, "Cave Wall Drawing Machine").
• Third, I went on a spiritual journey to the center of lacrosse where I discovered many things, not the least of which is that mustaches are super creepy.
• Fourth, at no time did I ever actually consider important things in these matchups (like, for instance, why a team would win or lose). I am a vehicle for spreading the word of totally accurate lacrosse picks. I didn't choose this life, but I accept what I've been given. I can't be bothered with specifics.
• Fifth, I wrote this on the internet.

Here's how a perfect bracket looks:

Do you think that my perfect bracket is less than perfect? Well, I have bad news for you, kemosabe: I have a perfect bracket and you may have ingested a lethal dose of gasoline that is impairing your judgment. If that hasn't stopped you in your tracks, you can follow these steps to let us all know what you less than perfect bracket looks like:

• First, download the bracket image from this Internet computing page.
• Second, open Microsoft Paint or start a comment on this post.
• Third, create your very inferior bracket to mine (unless you copy me, and my perfect bracket is telling you very directly not to copy my perfect bracket).
• Fourth, write down your picks in the comments, make your bracket appear in the comments as an embedded image or something, or tweet out your picks using #TheBigBarbeque. Do not email me your bracket! I do not want it! I am serious! Do not email me your bracket! If you email me your bracket I will delete it and alert the internet police and then your ass will be mowed. You know what's an easy way to embed your bracket if you don't want to write down your picks? Upload it to Twitter or something and then copy the link to the tweet into the comment. Presto-bammo: You just mastered internetting.
• Fifth, weep tears of sadness when my bracket beats up your bracket.

So, get to it. Make your picks and wallow in losing to my awesome and perfect bracket.