More Human Portraits: Lehigh Lacrosse is Adorably Violent

In case you missed this the first time around (for infinite shame if you did), here's a little background:

• Lehigh put together a little questionnaire for its lacrosse team to fill out their player profiles.
• 18-22 year-olds tend to yield response results that make you scratch your head and wonder whether wolves would be better secondary educators than actual human beings.
• I'm kind of falling in love with the Mountain Hawks and their adorably violent lacrosse team. (It's all strictly platonic, however. I'm not creepy or anything. Seriously. We're just frien . . . WHY DON'T YOU RETURN MY PHONE CALLS ANY MORE, LEHIGH?!? I WANT TO SMOTHER YOU WITH MORE-THAN-FRIENDSHIP HUGS! YOU KNOW ME! C'MON! Anyway. . . .)

Lehigh has put out another round or two of updated player profiles, fresh with answers to the questionnaire that make you question whether there should even be a human condition. The best of the bunch -- with vitally important addendums from me -- follow immediately below.

MATT SMITH, MIDFIELD/ATTACK

Talent I’d Most Like To Have: To be able to karate chop cinder blocks.

You all thought I was two steps away from face-eating when I mourned the lack of ninjas in college lacrosse. Well, guess what, college boy: Me and Matt Smith are going to totally remake the face of college lacrosse and you're not even going to know that we're doing it because ninja lacrosse is covert like that.

• Step one is to learn how to karate chop cinder blocks. Naturally. This has important implications on ninjafied lacrosse, not the least of which is overcoming cinder blocks that opponents may have on their person. (Which gives me a great idea for wind sprint techinque and theory, but that's probably a different story for a different day.)
• Step two is to learn how to use throwing stars legally. I'm assuming that we'll be able to use our new karate chopping ability to making a convincing karate-chop-to-the-neck argument to the rules committee to pass the throwing stars motion.
• Step three is Gatorade baths and victory parades where we karate chop all the traffic ahead of us to make way for our float. Also: unlimited cuddling time with panda bears because, I think, that's what lethal college lacrosse champions are entitled to.

KYLE STIEFEL, MIDFIELD

I Wear My Jersey Number Because: I am a pure shooter, I shoot over 100 mph, the ball is the bullet and my stick is an "A-K 47." Each shot is like a bullet out of an "A-K 47."

May I humbly suggest, Mr. Stiefel, that you consider getting your hands on a College Crosse Sniper from College Crosse Industries, Ltd. It's the finest lacrosse stick/felony-for-possessing piece of equipment on the market today.

Now, this also raises an interesting issue: if Stiefel were to study or play abroad and transport his stick with him, would this violate international trade restrictions on small arms? While tragic, becoming the first lacrosse player to draw the ire of INTERPOL is kind of a badge of honor.

Of course, Stiefel could be a jihadist guerilla that is somehow presenting a wayward fight against Lafayette with a deadly weapon, which means this is more an FBI issue than an international one requiring intervention from an international police organization. Who knows? I barely know the guy.