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In Which I Pledge My Commitment to the University of Michigan

I grew up on the East Coast; I'm an East Coast guy, through and through.

I like not using a knife and fork to eat my pizza, mostly because it's pizza and what the hell is the matter with the rest of you people that are using utensils and ruining America? I enjoy the water and boats and sitting in traffic until my eyes bleed because of population density. I like living between 75 preparatory schools that all seem to have graduated a President at some point in their history. I frequently wonder what the hell people see in anything in that vast nothingness west of New Jersey, mostly because I only own maps that point to Newport, Rhode Island.

I never understood the allure of the Midwest, nor did I understand why the United States hasn't sold it to Canada for spare parts. Until now:

When can I sign my National Letter of Intent?