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A Human Portrait: Lehigh's Lacrosse Team

Presswire

So, Lehigh put together a little questionnaire for its lacrosse team to fill out their player profiles. These "Get to Know" pieces are, for the most part, your standard issue list of questions: "Why do you wear your number?"; "What do you like best about Lehigh?"; etc.

What makes the responses especially interesting, though, isn't necessarily the questions but rather that they're being asked to 18-22 year olds. And, because humanity works like a bum looking to knock over a Duane Reade to get his hands on some mouthwash and the cheapest drunk since trying to make bathtub gin with water, juniper, while nursing the nastiest hangover since that night of green cheese and toilet wine, 18-22 year-olds tend to yield results that make you scratch your head and wonder whether wolves would be better secondary educators than actual human beings.

These are serious societal concerns. These windows into the youth of America -- the future of the country until the robots take over and enslave us all to make computer chip appetizers for them -- are the kind of material that anthropologists will write important papers on that nobody will read. For me, though, these little beauties are the stuff that makes the pageviews turn like a toteboard at a telethon. Hot cha-cha.

Here are a few selected beauties from the reponses that Lehigh has already published.

TOM FARRELL, MIDFIELD

Talent I’d Most Like To Have: Teleportation

Well, duh. Who wouldn't want teleportation? Unfortunately, as America is lazy and more concerned with inventing things like the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt, we'll likely never know whether teleportation is the cure to the pace issue currently plaguing college lacrosse.

DANTE FANTONI, ATTACK

Dream Job: Host of Man vs. Food

Or, as the position is listed on Monster.com: "Dead in 10 Years." Best of luck to your formerly working arteries.

ANDREW MOWER, MIDFIELD

Favorite TV Show: NCIS

When the hell did Kevin Cassese start recruiting 60 year olds to fill out his roster? I'm assuming that any practice that starts around 4:30 P.M. is really eating into Mower's dinner time. There's just one question that I have left: How the hell does Mower play through the midfield while also riding on his Rascal scooter? That has to be an inflammation to his sciatica.

GRIFFIN FARHA, GOALIE

Favorite Class at Lehigh: History 351: Gangs of New York with Professor Roger Simon

You can take a class in wearing track suits at Lehigh? Neat!

KLAY HESTON, ATTACK and MATT POILLON, GOALIE

If I Had $1 Billion, I Would: Buy a huge yacht.
If I Had $1 Billion, I Would: Buy a billion dollar house.

Me? I'd buy a billion dollars worth of ingredients to make a billion dollars worth of jalapeno poppers (no taxes apply to that kind of investment). So, look not at Heston and Poillon as reasons that Social Security is totally screwed; look at them as reasonable consumers that don't actually purchase a white elephant because the clean-up costs are prohibitive.