Anyone can pick winners and losers. It takes a special kind of prescience to know what -- exactly -- will happen during a game. Luckily, I have that kind of knowledge: I know exactly what is going to happen during the NCAA Tournament quarterfinal round. Here are a handful of things that are guaranteed to come true this weekend.
Predictions: Denver-Notre Dame
- The ghost of the Great Western Lacrosse League -- a translucent figure in a cowboy hat and handle bar mustache, brandishing a "XXX" bottle of whiskey and a wad of chewing tobacco wedged in his left cheek -- will preside over Denver-Notre Dame. He'll spit and proclaim, "Ain't like riding horses with an arrow through your one good lung." He'll then disappear into a storm cloud, reappearing only in Sam Elliot's dreams.
- With the score knotted at 12 at the end of regulation, the teams will retreat to their sidelines for a game-deciding session of Family Feud where only Bill Tierney and Kevin Corrigan are allowed to participate. "We surveyed 100 people, top 10 answers on the board. You must find the most popular answer. Here's the question: If you were stranded on a desert island, what anger-inducing thing would you bring with you?" Tierney will respond: "I oughtta cut out your heart." Corrigan: "I'd think Walt Whitman should take a lap." These remarks, ironically, tied for the top response among the surveyed cohort. The game will go into double overtime.
- Matt Kavanagh will give the nation the vapors due to his flowing locks. He will be sentenced to a life of wearing flattops after being tried for the massive threat that he caused to all of our hearts.
- Denver's unofficial-official mascot -- Denver Boone -- will be held at Union Station by government authorities, subjected to hours of questioning on how he built a time machine to travel from the 1800's to 2015. Fox News will label Denver Boone as a hallmark for why feelings instead of science should be taught in schools and MSNBC will chastise him for wearing a hat made out of an animal despite Denver Boone's need to wear it in order to survive.
Predictions: Johns Hopkins-Maryland
- Johns Hopkins will enter the field to its new hype song: Lisa Loeb's Stay (I Missed You).
- Maryland will strategize a way to play so slow that the game is actually played in reverse. With the result decided before the start of the game, the Terps will have unraveled the mysteries of physics with little incentive to change the backwards volition of reality. Humanity will spiral towards its genesis, the secrets of time unlocked in a blur of history: Dinosaurs eating aliens, monkeys building exotic jai alai courts while discussing microeconomic theory, etc. The unfortunate residue of this is that Maryland will not have broken its 40-year title drought as existence will have been erased prior to Memorial Day.
- Jim Delany, Commissioner of the Big Ten Conference, will preside over the Big Ten Experience tent outside of Lincoln Financial Field, deep-frying a lacrosse ball in the Midwest tradition while wearing casual blue jeans from 1987.
- The public address announcer will intone over the stadium's loudspeakers: "Today's game will feature a special guest official -- Central New York Man!" Eamon McAnaney will respond to the blockbuster announcement, "OH MY GOD! THAT'S CNY MAN'S MUSIC!" [stadium blares Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar on Me] "HE JUST GAVE WELLS STANWICK THE STONE COLD STUNNER! STUNNER! STUNNER! NOW HE'S CLIMBING TO THE TOP OF MARYLAND'S NET! OH, GOD! SOMEBODY HELP KYLE BERNLOHR! HE JUST GAVE BERNLOHR A FLYING ELBOW FROM THE TOP OF THE DAMN NET! THE AIR CNY MAN! SOMEBODY STOP THIS! STOP THE MATCH!" Central New York Man will grab the microphone and proudly exclaim, "There's only one true champion: Syranellbartgateton!" The game will be called on account of stupidity.