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2015 NCAA Lacrosse Tournament: Your Official Ranking of Philly Cheesesteaks

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This is serious business.

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Don't even lie to us: If you're going to Philadelphia this weekend, you're probably going to eat at least one steak. "I only eat farm-to-table dining!" If that statement comes out of your mouth you are either (1) a liar, or (2) a pretentious liar. Steaks are one of the few things that makes Philadelphia a real thing that shouldn't be sold to Canada for spare freedom parts, the city's cuisine defined by Amoroso's rolls and the complete suspension of dignity as you pilot an armed warhead of cholesterol into your body. Cheesesteaks are the best, and Philadelphia makes the finest steaks on the planet. The issue isn't whether you're going to shave a year or two off of your life with a steak this weekend; rather, the issue is which purveyor of steaks will start the clock on your demise.

To assist you in your determination of the best options for cheesesteak mastication, College Crosse has enlisted the discerning tastes of Eri_Barrister, a Philadelphia resident and mouthpiece for all things Philly, and Hoya Suxa, an imbecile that likes nothing more than stuffing his fat face. Both have extensive experience in studying the scientific strengths of Philadelphia's various steak establishments and are prepared, once and for all, to inform the college lacrosse community of the choicest moves in cheesesteak consumption.

Here's how this went down: Hoya Suxa and Eri_Barrister picked their top five steak places in Philadelphia, the ordering of the stands and eateries done without regard to location relative to Lincoln Financial Field or each individual's preference for how the cheesesteak is prepared ("with," "wiz," etc.). The results:

OFFICIAL COLLEGE CROSSE PHILLY CHEESESTEAK RANKINGS
HOYA SUXA ERI_BARRISTER
1. Dalessandro's Steaks 1. Dalessandro's Steaks
2. John's Roast Pork 2. John's Roast Pork
3. Pat's King of Steaks 3. Tony Luke's
4. Tony Luke's 4. Campo's Deli
5. Campo's Deli 5. Pat's King of Steaks

Feelings

Hoya Suxa

  • Dalessandro's is a bit of a haul from Center City, but the steaks are without peer. The meat is finely chopped, which sets apart Dalessandro's attempt to murder you right on the spot. I'm convinced its the best cheesesteak in Philly, even if it requires a special trip to shove one into your mouth.
  • A Pat's steak -- based solely on the steak itself -- isn't exceptional, but between Pat's and Geno's, Pat's is the stronger of the two options. This assertion is unabashedly based on the fact that the former owner of Geno's -- Joey Vento -- was a prodigious assbag that should have been dropped out of an airplane along with his "Speak English" sign.
  • I don't know if I like Tony Luke's purely for the steaks or that the stand is willing to sell more than cheesesteaks. If I remember correctly, you can also get Tony Luke's at Lincoln Financial Field in case you want to ruin your body in a plastic seat among 40,000 lacrosse fans.
  • I was surprised that Eri_Barrister and I had the same five places, albeit in a different order. This probably means that we are equal geniuses.
Eri_Barrister
  • You're all winners in my book, but #TheStreets demand accountability, so we had to Sophie's Choice the steaks joints in the city. Forgive me, Philly!
  • I am in total agreement with Hoya Suxa about Dalessandro's. While it may not have the name recognition of Pat's, Dalessandro's more than makes up for it in the more important category of deliciousness.
  • Geno's took a major hit with their unfortunate "Speak English" sign. I can't lie (because #TheStreets would never let me): While Geno's makes great steaks, the four year-old immigrant in me cringed when I read about the owner's political stance. If you're looking for an iconic cheesesteak establishment and mouthwatering steaks -- minus the politics -- in the same corner of South Philadelphia, definitely go with Pat's.
  • I put Campo's Deli below Tony Luke's but only by a hair. Luke's has that authentic South Philly feel to it, which put it above Campo's. However, if you are staying in or near Old City this weekend, Campo's Deli needs to be on your to-do list.