Anyone can pick winners and losers. It takes a special kind of prescience to know what -- exactly -- will happen during a game. Luckily, I have that kind of knowledge: I know exactly what is going to happen during the NCAA Tournament quarterfinal round. Here are a handful of things that are guaranteed to come true this weekend.
Predictions: Albany-Notre Dame
- The government will kidnap Lyle Thompson before the game, pulling a hood over his head as he is transported in a nondescript conversion van to a secret scientific black site in the Rocky Mountains. He will be put through a host of tests to determine: (1) Whether he is human; (2) If he is human, what percentage of his genetic structure comes from alien robots designed to ruin the souls of humans; and (3) Whether Thompson exists on a different physical plane in which he can both shape time and space. This will obviously make him unavailable to the Great Danes.
- Kevin Corrigan will have a moment of anger that is so extreme that he will spontaneously explode, bursting into a cloud of blue and gold confetti.
- Notre Dame and Albany will combine for 35 goals, each tally having a butterfly effect on John Tillman's bodily person, slowly disappearing from reality not unlike Marty McFly's family in the noted documentary Back to the Future.
Predictions: Ohio State-Denver
- Jesse King will go through a traditional Canadian prep before facing the Pioneers: He'll consume a gallon of Tim Horton's coffee (a clear violation of the NCAA's performance enhancing drug policy); he'll pull on his dry-fit beaver skin compression shirt; he'll make sure that his fantasy toboggan league lineup is set; he'll check the CBC's website to make sure that Canada is still a democratic country and not just puppet regime put in place by a vast cabal of moose patiently waiting to overthrow their human "masters"; and he'll check the cleat depths on his Nike snow shoes (fast or last!).
- Bill Tierney will invent six new curse words. Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary will bestow a Lifetime Achievement Award upon Tierney for his dedicated ability to create new ways to express disagreement or distaste during the heat of competition, the honor coming with an infinite supply of blood pressure medication.
- Connor and Sean Cannizzaro will engage in an epic round of "NO, YOU ARE!" and "I WISH I WAS AN ONLY CHILD!" before Matt Brown has to pull them apart and send them to their rooms without supper.
Predictions: Johns Hopkins-Syracuse
- Sheehan, Wick, Coco, Tad, Steele, and Covie Stanwick will enter a portal that leads into Wells Stanwick's mind. Then they'll all enter a portal that leads into the mind of Shack Stanwick. This will mirror the situation in the noted documentary Being John Malcovich where John Malcovich is surrounded by other John Malcovichs and everybody can only say "Malcovich." With singularity achieved, Earth will collapse upon itself, thus proving the prophecy true: We are all Stanwicks, and that realization will have ended a master plan that started millions of years ago and progressed through fishes that didn't realize that they were all Stanwicks, dinosaurs that didn't understand that they were all Stanwicks, cavemen that didn't realize they were all Stanwicks, and finally heightened beings that didn't grasp that we were all Stanwicks.
- Syracuse fans will petition to have the Johns Hopkins' band categorized as a Grade II felony, a first degree murder of music.
Predictions: Maryland-North Carolina
- Joey Sankey will show up late for the game as he was packed as luggage to save on flight costs, his small frame folded into Joe Breschi's carry-on bag and forgotten by the hotel porter in Annapolis. This will have been the third time in Sankey's career that he was late for the start of the game: The first time coming when he was not permitted into Fetzer Field as a stadium security guard asserted that children must be accompanied by an adult; the second time happened when North Carolina's equipment manager inadvertently gave him an adult-large jersey instead of a child-large size, delaying his ability to get on the field.
- Kyle Bernlohr will make all of his saves through dance fighting, his performance eventually earning him a role in an off-Broadway production of West Side Story in Montclair, New Jersey.