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Here's a little background on what's going on here:
- Lehigh put together a little questionnaire for its lacrosse team to fill out. The school then appended the responses to each player's biographical profile on the team's website.
- 18-22 year-olds tend to yield response results that make you wonder what the hell you were thinking when you were that age. (Answer: Not a hell of a lot. When I was 18-22, it was a minor miracle that I didn't try to get into sock puppetry as a profession.)
- I'm sure that all these gentlemen will grow into fine young scholars and citizens. I know this because I didn't and the law of averages is a thing.
Lehigh updated a bunch of profiles since the last installment of this nonsense. Selected responses -- with vitally important addendums from me -- follow immediately below.
If I Had $1 Billion, I Would: Be rich.
No shit?
Here's the thing: That wouldn't even be the first thing that came to my mind if someone asked me that question. I would inherently understand that I'd be rich, but I wouldn't take the time to respond in an email in such a Ben Stein-ian way. Instead, I'd probably lay out a detailed four-point plan to deal with my new billionaire status:
- I'd sock $250 million away in trust and savings so that future generations of Suxa's can grow up to meet their familial purpose without distraction: Writing nonsense on the Internet and seeing just how far their Jeep can drive through high tide on the beach before becoming sunken treasure.
- I'd take another $250 million and do all kinds of important charity work: Provide funding to ensure that children that were born with a baseball mitt at the end of their left arms instead of hands are given the appropriate medical treatment they so desperately need -- a full arm amputation and replacement with a jointed lacrosse stick attached at the shoulder socket; fund research designed to eradicate the planet's worst plague -- the German language ("Ich bin ein zorniger Deutsch!"); I'd give all kinds of money to the World Wildlife Fund to make special 18-foot straws for giraffes so that they don't have to bend all the way over to take a drink of water; etc.
- I'd take another $450 million and invest it in things. (But only things that have a really good return on investment, because I'm no huckleberry and I'm sure as hell not going to invest in your "Personalized Space Exploration and Craft Beer Company".)
- I'd take the last $50 million and spend it on really important things: A swimming pool filled with delicious frozen yogurt, ground zero for my soon-to-be-famous "Eat your way out or die via frozen yogurt" competitions (the world's most dangerous game); a covered wagon filled with silly items like muskets and period costumes so that I can round up some friends, play Oregon Trail in real life, and wonder which sucker is going to die of dysentery; I don't want just a hedge maze on my compound, I want a hedge maze that is an exact replica of all the maps in The Legend of Zelda.
If I Didn't Play Lacrosse, I Would Play: SlamBall
SlamBall isn't the same after it got all corporate and stuff. It used to be about the love of SlamBall, man.