College Crosse Industries, Ltd. has been hard at work over the last few months developing more incredibly innovative lacrosse products. Now, several analysts have their doubts as to whether these incredibly impressive and dynamic lacrosse products will permeate the marketplace -- College Crosse Industries, Ltd.'s current financial statement is just a napkin with "Win big!" written on it in red crayon -- but that hasn't stopped this country's finest equipment provider from engaging in vitally important research and development efforts.
I am still confident that the prior four ideas that I floated earlier in the year are going to make me a billionaire and revolutionize college lacrosse, but just in case you unwashed knuckleheads fail to use real American money to purchase such unparalleled products, I'm back with another sneak peek at College Crosse Industries, Ltd.'s newest offering. Remember: If you try and steal any of my company's super innovative equipment ideas, I'll set my robot alligator on your scent.
INNOVATIVE IDEA NUMBER FIVE
Can't seem to crack a defense? Is an opposing goalie stuffing every single one of your shots? Running out of answers? Well, friend, it's your lucky day because I'm going to get rid of all your problems . . . with extreme prejudice!
I am proud to present the College Crosse Weapon of Choice. This isn't your standard titanium shaft/offset head combination stick. No, sir. College Crosse Industries, Ltd. is all about innovation and taking the equipment industry to places that it's never been before. That's why, instead of just referring to a cookie cutter crosse as a "Weapon of Choice," we've developed a lacrosse stick that is an actual weapon:
How stiff are your pants right now? It's okay to admit it, friend. The first time that I saw the College Crosse Weapon of Choice -- a rocket launcher with a lacrosse head fused to the butt of the cannon -- I got the vapors as well. That's just pure destructive beauty, my man.
Eliminates "hot goalie" problem by simply eliminating the goalie (also the net, most of the playing field, and pacifism); stockiness of the rocket launcher makes for great cross checking from undersized defensive midfielders; comes with a custom case that looks like a violin case so that you can look cultured while carrying a deadly goal scoring/people-and-building-removing piece of equipment; stainless steel construction will hold up in all weather; plastic head is heat resistant (maybe); available upgrade that funnels the ball from the throat of the head into the cartridge chamber, allowing for immediate goal scoring after firebombing of the opponent's goal.
Is a rocket launcher and possession of such an item is likely illegal in all games that do not take place in the background of a Rambo movie; have not yet received verification from the NCAA as to whether a rocket launcher is an approved shaft for regulation play; using the product against Army, Navy, or Air Force is clearly a provocative act of war and College Crosse Industries, Ltd. does not warrant the product against claims for violating the Hague Conventions; in order to purchase the product you must go through our "friend" Sergei who knows a guy that spent a few years in Estonia and, well, it's a long story but you're going to need to pay in cash and your code name is "Red"; automatically enrolled in the NRA with purchase of the equipment.