Wagner Cup and Reverse Survivor Update: Wagner Gonna Wagner

In what was possibly (probably?) not (is?) the worst (best?) thing ever, St. Joseph's toppled Wagner on Staten Island to the tune of a 6-5 victory. The win marks St. Joseph's second on the season, which is two more wins than the Hawks took home in all of 2011; the two "W's" also almost matches its 2010 victory total (three). Wagner, on the other hand, continues to Wagner.

Before we get into whether Matt Poskay's group of rag-tag loveable scamps should wear uniforms emblazoned with "Chico's Bail Bonds" across the chest, it should be noted that the Seahawks aren't alone in their quest for forever-ish defeat. No, no way, man. There are actually 11 teams still in the running for Reverse Survivor honors.

• Albany: 0-3
• Canisius: 0-0 (lazy sons of . . . )
• Hartford: 0-3
• Pennsylvania: 0-2
• Quinnipiac: 0-2
• Sacred Heart: 0-3
• Stony Brook: 0-3
• Vermont: 0-3
• VMI: 0-4
• Wagner: 0-5
• Mercer: 0-5

Now, the likelihood of all these teams staying in Reverse Survivor contention through mid- to late-March is unlikely. You can probably lop off most of the America East teams -- Albany, Hartford, and Stony Brook -- just out of deference to the fact that the America East is basically the Gathering of the Juggalos and you're going to get a few gift wins. (Woot! Woot!) You can probably also knock out Sacred Heart, Quinnipiac, and Pennsylvania: Sacred Heart and Quinnipiac can probably win on accident in the NEC and Pennsylvania will eventually raise its elitist nose above all this.

That, then, leaves four teams to deal with right now:

CANISIUS

As the Golden Griffins are just kind of hanging out on the couch, waiting for everyone else to do the dishes and make dinner, it's tough to see what its Reverse Survivor hopes actually look like. They start with Cornell on Tuesday -- which I'm willing to bet my kingdom on will end in painful, painful defeat -- but there's enough chaff on the schedule to likely see a victory. (I'm looking at you VMI.) I won't forget about you, Canisius, but you need to show me something (hopefully something terrible).

VERMONT

Vermont isn't necessarily terrible, but the schedule doesn't look good for them to grab a win against a similarly bad-but-not-horrendous team: The Catamounts still have Virginia, Fairfield, Sacred Heart, Brown, Stony Brook, UMBC, Albany, Dartmouth, Binghamton, and Hartford left on the schedule. They could jump up and grab one where they probably shouldn't, but this is looking like a long season for Ryan Curtis. May I suggest cartoons instead of game film? One is full of laughs and fake injuries; the other, not so much. I'm watching you, Vermont.

VMI, WAGNER, AND MERCER

These are the three worst teams in college lacrosse in 2012 eligible for Reverse Survivor. There is no debate. If you debate this, you will have your Internet privileges revoked. Trust me on the threat: I know people at Internet Headquarters and they all owe me important favors.

After Michigan handled Mercer fairly easily this past weekend, the Bears -- and I'm being generous here -- really only have victory shots at Wagner and VMI. And that isn't going to happen. Wagner and VMI are all kinds of horrific, but Mercer is on a different level. There just isn't a win on the schedule, and the rules of Reverse Survivor are an angry, fickle animal of relentlessness.

With respect to Wagner and VMI, these are equal shades of bad. The two will actually meet on March 13th, and somebody has to win that game, right? (I think. There could be a zombie apocalypse that forces the teams to postpone the game for eternity.) Whoever loses that game will then have a chance at Mercer, which is just a very mean thing to do to college lacrosse. While both teams will be in the running for the Wagner Cup in 2012, it doesn't look like either is going to take home Reverse Survivor honors this season.

And that makes me sad. (Or happy. I forget.)