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St. Joseph's at Wagner: Possibly (Probably?) Not (Is?) the Worst (Best?) Thing Ever

THE RECKONING IS NIGH via <a href=""></a>

Sure, you're looking at this weekend's college lacrosse schedule and are, like, "Syracuse-Virginia . . . awesome! Duke-Maryland . . . better than a free pet panda bear! Drexel-Notre Dame . . . I'm not going to wear pants for that one because slacks are tyrannical oppressors of freedom of expression! Penn State-Ohio State . . . I love trench warfare because I'm a big fan of army rations!"

These aren't unreasonable emotions, much like the feeling of unabashed excitement associated with stealing a mail truck and knocking over candy stores in order to make some headlines and participate in the criminal trial of the century. (There is, of course, no such thing as bad press.) But, you're missing out on what should be possibly (probably?) the worst (best?) thing ever: St. Joseph's is traveling up to Staten Island on Saturday to play Wagner in a men's college lacrosse game.

I mean, if you're going to put on an absolute trash fire, could you pick a better location than Staten Island? No, no you couldn't. Well, maybe you could stage this in Chernobyl, like, 20 minutes after some guy hit the wrong button and the world almost exploded, turning everyone within a country mile green without the bonus of personal nuclear superpowers. Obviously, to get that done you'd need a time machine and as lazy scientist-types haven't gotten around to inventing that yet, the Seahawks and Hawks -- Mascot synergy! -- are forced to duel in a place that folks in Jamaica, Queens, scoff at and say, "You want to go to Staten Island? No thanks, I've had my fill of tetanus."

St. Joseph's-Wagner is going to be an absolutely beautiful display of lacrosse treachery. Not only will this game pit last year's co-Reverse Survivor champions against each other, it'll also go a long way to deciding the potential 2012 Wagner Cup champion. This is an important thing, people, greater in honor than a 4-H blue ribbon but, probably, less important than a Chamber of Commerce plaque from the local moon base we will all inhabit in 10 years after the robot rebellion forces all of humanity from this planet.

If you're still saying to yourself, "Shut up. There can't possibly be anything worse than Hawks-Seahawks!" I have news for you: There is, and St. Joseph's-Wagner stacks up very favorably compared to alternatives for your Saturday afternoon:

  • You could take a wood planer to your genitals and use gasoline as aftershave.
  • You could take a job at "Big Al's Gator World" as an alligator wrangler and be "Steve, the One-Armed Gator Wrangler and Portable Bag-o-Blood Connoisseur."
  • You could perform do-it-yourself Lasik surgery on your bum eyes with an ice cream scooper and a short trip to the Used Eye Emporium.
  • I'd imagine that lighting yourself on fire would be worse than Hawks-Seahawks, but that depends on whether you're a monk and have a particular moral distaste for lacrosse.
  • You could participate in a demolition derby consisting solely of people tricycles while holding a beaker of nitroglycerin. Whoever has the most limbs and nitroglycerin left in their beakers at the end wins! (And has their insurance premium covered.)

That's just the off-the-cuff stuff, I'm sure there are worse things in the world. Regardless, the wonder of St. Joseph's-Wagner is my pick of the week, because trainwrecks are always most fun when you're not the conductor and all the harm happens only on the television.