Every Division I tournament. Every team. College Crosse has it all on lockdown. Please send cookies and naptime. Today we're slashing to bits the America East Tournament.

As I mentioned previously, I'm an idiot and thought that the America East Tournament started on Thursday instead of today. I'm a bum.

Anyway, here's the heat on the America East, all squished together due to complete and total incompetency. (Nobody alert the blogging authorities. I need to keep this no-pay job for various important reasons (read: the chicks).)

Stony Brook Seawolves: One-Seed

For a more complete, mind-bending picture of Stony Brook, here's a .pdf of the complete report.

UMBC Retrievers: Two-Seed

For a more complete, mind-bending picture of UMBC, here's a .pdf of the complete report.

Albany Great Danes: Three-Seed

For a more complete, mind-bending picture of Albany, here's a .pdf of the complete report.

Hartford Hawks: Four-Seed

For a more complete, mind-bending picture of Hartford, here's a .pdf of the complete report.

Three pieces of incredibly important information from my brain to your eyes via your Internet computing machine:

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Every Division I tournament. Every team. College Crosse has it all on lockdown. Please send cookies and naptime. Today we're slashing to bits the America East Tournament.

I'm not going to lie: I totally duff'd it on when the America East was starting its tournament this year. I was convinced that the league's postseason was facing-off on Thursday, not today. I am pretty sure that I am dumber now at 31 than I was when I was 14. Clearly the public schools and private sector have failed society once again.

As a result of my brain working like that of a seal being clubbed about the head by an unnamed evildoer to adorable animalia, the America East is kind of getting short-changed today. Sorry, boys and girls. Them's the breaks.

Here's an overview of the 2012 America East Tournament that you can study non-stop until your eyes bleed. A compressed profile piece will eventually follow. Everything gets moving with America's best league for hating victories on, well, today.

CONFERENCE TOURNAMENT: AMERICA EAST

Quick: Name me the best team in the America East? Did you answer "Huh? I don't want to buy your drugs!"? Yes? Good, then you passed the test. There are nine Division I college lacrosse conferences and the America East -- because it's a special snowflake -- is the only league to not have a member with an overall winning record. Ay-yi-yi. Hartford -- they of a 5-7 overall record -- is the conference's winningest program at a staggering 42.8 percent. That's . . . well, that's gruesome. What's even more gruesome is that despite carrying the league's highest winning percentage, the Hawks are the league tournament's four-seed. Brain 'splosion.

At the top of the America East charts is Stony Brook, which at 5-9 on the season (4-1 in Conference Whatever), is the One-Eyed Man in the Country of the Blind. The Seawolves show fairly well in a lot of the tempo-free analytics, but out in the real world where predators roam, Stony Brook hasn't faired all that well in reality. Regardless, they're the favorite in this thing. (I think. Whatever.)

Coming in behind the Seawolves are UMBC (fairly icky, but in the America East, "icky" may equal "auto-bid invited"), Albany (which as March 30, 2012, didn't even have a victory after suffering seven-straight losses to open their campaign), and Hartford (sexy offense; needs all the cosmetic surgery on that defense). I'd laugh at all of this but it's all too vividly real.

Here's how each team stacks up in some legacy metrics:

So, uh, yup; this thing is really going to happen and someone is going to the NCAA Tournament out of this pool. (I think. The NCAA may call off the entire tournament on account of "Uh, why again?")

Here's the shakedown on the big offensive weapons taking the field this weekend:

T.O.V. = Total Offensive Value (individual points per 100 offensive possessions). This is updated through all games played by May 1, 2012.
Rank = National T.O.V. rank. This is updated through all games played by May 1, 2012.

So, that's your overview. Who are you taking to take home top honors?

Every Division I tournament. Every team. College Crosse has it all on lockdown. Please send cookies and naptime. Tomorrow we're slashing to bits the America East Tournament, but we're giving you a head start for tonight's games.

Tomorrow we'll be giving you in-depth coverage of the America East Tournament. However, the semifinals start tonight. To get you all warmed up for the tournament where, yes, a sub-.500 team will be going to the Spring Formal (otherwise known as the NCAA Lacrosse Tournament, which is smaller than Basketball's "Big Dance"), here's a look at how things shake out overall in the conference.

As you can see, there's no "ranked team" box in this infographic. Duh. Otherwise, enjoy the action tonight and stay tuned for more stuff tomorrow on the America East Tournament!