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2015 NCAA Basketball Tournament: Your Lacrosse Rooting Interests in the Sweet 16 (Thursday)

You have lacrosse feelings. Turn them loose on basketball.

Joe Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports

The Sweet Sixteen starts tonight in the NCAA Tournament that does not involve a Philadelphia destination at the end of May. Eight teams will do things in two different places, two of which will be stuck in Cleveland, Ohio for at least another 48 hours on purpose. If you're going to watch the games tonight you should do so as a sociopathic lacrosse fan from Baltimore that has built outdoor furniture out of empty Natty Boh cans.

Your rooting interests for tonight are as follows:

  • (7) Wichita State v. (3) Notre Dame: Notre Dame. The Irish have a lacrosse team and the Shockers don't, which means that Notre Dame is likely to pitch a shutout against Wichita State tonight just as the Irish's lacrosse counterpart did to Ohio State (the Shockers don't exist; they are a fake team). True fact: Wichita State's fake basketball team avoided all schools with a Division I men's lacrosse team except for one -- Detroit. That's going to extensive lengths to prove the fiction that Wichita State is a real thing that exists.
  • (4) North Carolina v. (1) Wisconsin: North Carolina. The Big Ten in nonconference men's lacrosse games this season: 28-24 (53.85%). The ACC in nonconference men's lacrosse games this season: 32-3 (91.43%). The ACC's record against the Big Ten so far this season: 6-1. The 'Heels will win by billions.
  • (5) West Virginia v. (1) Kentucky: Kentucky. The Commonwealth of Kentucky claims one Division I men's college lacrosse team -- Bellarmine. The State of West Virginia does not host any Division I men's college lacrosse teams, which means that not only is West Virginia's basketball team fake, but the entire state is a lie. The Wildcats win thanks to Bellarmine's truth.
  • (6) Xavier v. (2) Arizona: Xavier. Not only are the Musketeers in a conference that sponsors men's lacrosse, but Xavier is in a state that claims a Division I men's lacrosse member (Ohio State). Plus, Cornell's Connor Buczek is from Cincinnati, the town that Xavier has laid brick and mortar. This is a complete blowout for the Musketeers, even if Cincinnati chili is 90% butt meat.

Here's your full schedule for tonight:

(7) Wichita State v. (3) Notre Dame 7:15 P.M. Quicken Loans Arena, Cleveland CBS // Web
(4) North Carolina v. (1) Wisconsin 7:47 P.M. Staples Center, Los Angeles TBS // Web
(5) West Virginia v. (1) Kentucky 9:45 P.M. Quicken Loans Area, Cleveland CBS // Web
(6) Xavier v. (2) Arizona 10:17 P.M. Staples Center, Los Angeles TBS // Web

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