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John Danowski Opens Dino Beach

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Hold on to your butts.

Rob Carr

It took me a second to process the fact that John Danowski didn't relocate to a remote island off the coast of Costa Rica, attempting to create a resort for dinosaurs to relax in the sun and sand:

Obviously, that initial thought was ridiculous. John Danowski is too philosophical to undertake bioengineering in an effort to provide a high-end resort experience to his cloned dinosaurs. That's just crazy. I don't even know why I even thought of that initially. Dinosaurs don't even like beach balls and those water noodle things that allow you to commit localized instances of horrendous assault on your friends and family. They're into being dinosaurs and killing things. Danowski maintains a well-developed esoteric mind. He saw the pitfalls that ruined John Hammond in the noted documentary, Jurassic Park.

No, Danowski is on to something bigger: He's starting his own teen drama series -- not unlike The O.C. -- called Dino Beach. The series will chronicle the semi-fictional life of a college lacrosse coach as he navigates the difficulty of living in a semi-affluent neighborhood on Long Island, an oasis once designed by Danowski to leave his hectic life of Durham, North Carolina behind.

There will be long conversations in the above-ground pool about the merits of zone defense and what that means for a community that has only known man-to-man defense. There will be a special episode where the local town  council contests that Danowski's backyard isn't qualified for an outhouse even though Danowski strenuously contests that it's a shed, fighting a political battle that is rooted in Danowski's belief in skipping fall ball competition while the local town council demands that he make his Duke team travel north for intercollegiate fall ball games in order to collect lucrative tourist dollars. Someone will trim a rose bud growing from Danowski's porch, a symbol that won't have meaning until late in the season when a women is seen crying in the rain for no particular reason.

Danowski's ideals will be challenged daily, a man in a postmodern word that seeks only to contemplate the continued existence of discord while floating around on his Lazy Dayz floaty thing. Let's just hope the ratings stay high enough for a second season to see if he grows some prodigious eyebrows like Peter Gallagher.