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Mike Francesa Deals with Lacrosse Calls

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Let's say all those lacrosse fans in the New York metro area finally had an excuse to jam Francesa's phone lines. This is how we imagine it would go down.

Jim O'Connor-USA TODAY Sports

MIKE'S ON!

HE'S READY TO GO!

ON THE FAN!

NEW YORK SPORTS RADIOOOOO

MIKE'S ON! MIKE'S ON!

HE'LL GET YOU THE SPORTS ANY WAY THAT HE CAAANNNNN!

HE'S MIKE FRANCESA ON THE FAAAAAANNNNNN!

SPORTS RADIO 1019 FM AND SPORTS RADIO 66... WFAAAANNNNNNNNNN

Awright wear back. Top of the howah and we've got Pea-yair MaGwiruhh runnin a little late today for his interview. He says he's coming down heah to the station but got stuck in traffic. So once he's heah we'll talk some Ranjizz and in a little bit we . . . weahh'll talk some more about da hawse Californah Chrome and what he did at Belmont today. Now, I meant to talk about this a little bit back awn Monday but they had a nice crowd dere at Hawfstra over the weekend faw da college lacrwasse qawtahfinals.

[dead aiyah, swigs Diet Coke]

And let me tell yew those Thawmpsons . . . oh my dey were amazing to watch. I've nevah seen that type of skill since the Gaayts back in da day. I mean I'm nawt really a big lacrwasse guy but them and Albany were a thrill. Okay? I mean it's a shame dey lawst but ya gotta hand it to that Kavinnaw kid and Note-her Dame.

[dead aiyah, plays with iPad]

Still, I think ya gotta go with Dook to win it awl. When Dook is Dook, dey're da 2006 Verginuh team. Okay? Dey're da 1990 Awrangemen. Dey're duh Princeton Tigah teams from the 90's. Dey're the reel deal. Dinowskee is won heck of a coach. Okay, let's take some calls. Petah in Rockville Centuh, what's up?

PETER: HEY MIIIIIKKEEE I WAS FIRST GONNA CALL ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF THE METS TRADING DAVID WRIGHT TO THE YANKEES FOR SOME PROSPECTS BUT THEN I HEARD YOU TALK SOME LAX. YOU A LACROSSE GUY, MIKE?

Ehhh, a little. I fallow it from time to time and drive my kids to some Lizaahds games sometimes.

PETER: OKAY WELL I GET WHAT YOU'RE SAYING ABOUT DUKE. I THINK DENVER'S GONNA WIN IT THOUGH. THEY'VE GOT A LOT A TALENT AND THEY GOT A GREAT COACH IN TIERNEY WHO KNOWS HOW TO WIN CHA..

Waituhseckin . . . waituhseckin! Bill Tearaknee's at Denvah now?

PETER: YEAH, MIKE, HE'S BEEN THERE FOR FIVE YEARS.

Okay, that shows how much lacrwasse I tawk about. [hand wavies callah] [hangs up] Big Billy T at Denvah? Wow. I wonder if Bill Pahcells knows dat?

[swigs Diet Coke]

I mean, I haven't seen dem play so I can't really tawk about how well they aah.

[dead aiyah]

Frank in New Jersee?

FRANK: MIKE, I SEE YAW TAWKING LACROSSE. LONG TIME LISTENER BUT FIRST TIME CALLER THANKS TO THAT. OKAY I KNOW I'M LIKE A WEEK LATE ON THIS BUT YOU THINK SYRACUSE HAS TO MOVE ON FROM DESKO? I MEAN THAT'S HIS THIR..

[hangs up on callah] Oh Gawd you Seeracooz people are bringin baack yaw "Bayhiem should ree-tie-uhh" rooteen for lacrwasse.

[dead aiyah]

Real Awrange fans don't cawl in with that nonsense. I go through it every Maach. Now yew looking to get rid of a coach dat's won multiple.. nawt one... multiple nashonal titles? [hand waives the callah]

Awright, let's tawk something else faw once, Jerry in Putnam?

JERRY: HEY MIKE I'M REALLY PUMPED FOR THE RANGAHS TONIGHT. NICE TO SEE THEM BEING RUN WELL UNLIKE THE GARDEN'S OTHER TEAM AND OF COURSE THE JETS, RIGHT?

Heh [grins, adjusts mic]

JERRY: BUT ANYWAY YOU SEE THAT GREAT CROWD FOR THE LACROSSE QUARTERFINALS THE OTHER DAY AND YOU GOTTA THINK THE NCAA SHOULD MAKE THE FINAL FOUR AT THE MEADOWLANDS EACH YEAR. THEY'LL SELL THAT PLACE OUT IN LIKE 45 MINUTES WITH THE DEMAND FOR LACROSSE. I'LL HANG UP AND LISTEN.

Okay, can we pleeze stawp the lacrwasse nonsense?

I bring up won point and yew all bombaad us with lacrwasse cawls. Okay, der's no New Yawk teams in this. It's being played in Bawltimoore. Okay, yew all treating dis like Hawfstra's playing the Jawnnies and Rutgaaz is playing Princeton and it's awl at Yankee Stadium or something. Okay, I get it's a big weekend faw lacrwasse but we've got da Ranjaaz, we've got dat hawse, we've got the Yankees and Mets to complain about, we have the Knicks mess . . .

[swigs Diet Coke]

. . . dis right here with lacrwasse isn't da hawt button issue, okay? Nobody cayahs. And no, dey won't sell out Giants Stadium for a lacrwasse game. Okay?

[plays with iPad]

Dats proposterus.

[looks at control room for no particular reason]

Katheryn in Hoboken. Hello deah.

Katheryn: HEY WHEN DO YOU THINK SETON HALL WILL ADD MEN'S LACROSSE?

Okay, I have no idear on what dey're athletic department is considering. [hand waives the callah] If dey wanna add it they will in doo time I guess. Somebody pleeze call about the Yanks aw something. Awh da Mets. They musta done something awtroshus ohvahrnight, right?

[swigs Diet Coke]

If ya wanna tawk lacrwasse go cawl Mike-call Kay awh somethin. Tawmmy in Baypawt you're on.

Tommy: HEY MIKE I WANTED TO CALL ABOUT THE GIANTS BACKFIELD SITUATION. DON'T YOU THINK THEY SHOULD GET A BIT MORE STIFF [cackles] WITH A FULLBACK IF YOU CATCH MY DRI....

[hand waives the callah] Enuff of dis nawnsense. Pee-yair MaGwiruhh is almost heah to tawk Ranjaaz. Back aftah dis. 

(Inspiration for this piece goes to @OrdioMongo and @MikeFrancesaNY.)