If you haven't heard by now, Hobart is looking for a new head coach after former head coach T.W. Johnson stepped down from his position. And while it would be nice if Mr. Suxa got the gig and sent the Statesmen to new heights... that ain't happening.
Considering that (1) Hobart was able to put together a decent season, and (2) we want the Statesmen to continue to find success against all the odds stacked against them (especially considering there's always a debate within the school whether they should head down to a lower division given the costs of running a Division I program and the past successes the program had at the Division III level), we've formed College Crosse Consulting, LLC to help sell the coaching job to candidates across the nation. Let's take a look at some of the highlights of a brochure that will excite potential coaches across the country!
See, with our cover we're a firm believer that more exclamation points means more excitement! But that's only the start of our mailbox-stuffer for every D-1, D-2, D-3, high school lacrosse coach, and people-with-cool-names-that-may-or-may-not-be-actual-lacrosse-coaches in the nation. Here's some fancy text and stuff:
- Why not?
- Hobart's got a long lacrosse history, filled with plenty of Division III titles and even conference titles at the top level.
- You're in basically the birthplace of lacrosse.
- People love lacrosse. You're a person. Do the math.
- Hobart's got cool uniforms and a color scheme that no one else has.
- Nice new turf fields.
- Did you know that Hobart's just one half of the school you'd be coaching at? There's also William and Smith College for the ladies. An all-male, all-female partnership is like nothing you've seen in the 21st Century. Sadie Hawkins Dance, anyone?
- You have a good chance of knocking off Syracuse, now matter how well they are, every year. Like Hobart actually did this year.
- You can also try and beat Cornell now that Pannell's gone.
- The campus is really nice too!
- Stop thinking, dumbass, and coach this team.
But our work isn't finished here. Selling Hobart isn't enough. You've gotta aim for selling relocating to Geneva. So we've got that covered for Hobart, too.
Getting to Know Geneva
- Sorry, there's no conventions here.
- However, it's easily accessible by the New York State Thruway!
- And it's strategically located in between Rochester and Syracuse!
- Except you won't have the pressure of coaching Syracuse, who Hobart beat because reasons.
- It's a beautiful community on the north shore of beautiful Seneca Lake and the home of beautiful Seneca Lake State Park. You'll always want to go on a nice hike with your wife at the many gorges of the area or go camping with the kids at one of the great campsites nearby!
- Speaking of Seneca Lake, do you like race cars? Good, because Watkins Glen is on the other side. And we can totally cross-promote Hobart lacrosse when you tweet or instagram a picture of you with Danica Patrick at one of the races there.
VROOM VROOM! Recruits will be committing to the 'Bart in no time!
- Hunting people is kind of (not really) legal (frowned upon but accepted).
- It's the most beautiful place in the country if your map includes only Geneva, New York.
- Free truck nuts for all new residents.
Oh, by the way it snows a lot.
If all else fails, we hit them with the facts that make Hobart the ideal coaching position.
- We really don't know what's going on with the ECAC, but we can assure you that Hobart will be just fine with all this shuffling when all is said and done (kind of, sort of, maybe, we don't really know).
- You don't want to coach Le Moyne or Cortland or RIT anyway, because Hobart's D-I son! (Plus, Cortland is way too close to an Arby's and that stuff is nuclear waste.)
- Hobart's small, so you don't have to deal with hundreds of cars parked where you need to park like if you went to Michigan or Ohio State (a.k.a.: Jerk Schools).
- The cold winters mean your players won't be distracted by pretty ladies tanning outside their house like in Jacksonville. Instead of studying the human form, they'll be studying their playbooks.
- Recruiting advantages include not having to scout every damn player in high school like those ACC schools. And it's not like Princeton or Cornell where you have to worry about graduating nuclear physicists every season.
- We mentioned the part where your recruiting class will come within two goals of beating Syracuse or actually coming away with a win at least once in their college careers, right?
- Geneva is about 2,500 times nicer than the parts of Baltimore that Johns Hopkins and Loyola are in. (You only need to dodge licensed hunters in Geneva.)
- You won't get lost on Hobart and William and Smith Colleges' campus like you would at Cornell's (because Cornell is the Costco of campuses).
BOOM! No coach will ever want to coach anywhere but Hobart after reading all that! Just be sure to refer to us when interviewing for the position, potential coaches, and we'll give you a $50 coupon to the Bass Pro Shops down the road in Auburn. We'll throw in a Seneca Lake winery tour while we're at it. Oh, and you're welcome for the assist, Hobart. We here at College Crosse Consulting, LLC are here to make every lacrosse program's lives just a whole lot easier. Except for you, Wagner, you make it too hard for us sometimes.