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2012 NCAA Lacrosse Tournament: Semifinals "Fun Factors" of Happiness and Joy

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Presswire

This weekend is your last chance to have college lacrosse fun in 2012. I suggest that you get your hands on a bunch of balloons and, like, a pony with a carrot affixed to its head to look like a unicorn so that you can really have a blast. If you don't, you're letting the terrorists win.

I punched numbers into my lacrosse computing machine to try and figure out which were the most fun teams at Championship Weekend this year. As it turns out, my lacrosse computing machine is inebriated, far too intoxicated to operate heavy machinery nevermind being heavy machinery. When all the gears finished doing their gear things and smoke billowed out of the contraption and a scientist in a lab coat looked at the computer readout while holding a beaker filled with green liquid, I pretty much wanted to take a hammer to the invention because it was telling me a lie: Maryland -- yes, the Maryland that should come with a snooze button -- came out as the highest ranked team in the "Fun Factor" scale for this weekend.

There is no God:

2012 NCAA TOURNAMENT SEMIFINALS: TEAM FUN FACTORS
RANK TEAM FUN FACTOR OPPONENT RANK TEAM FUN FACTOR OPPONENT
6. Maryland 4.8266 Duke 9. Duke 4.6078 Maryland
7. Loyola 4.7921 Notre Dame 23. Notre Dame 3.3492 Loyola

Here's the thing about Maryland: The Terps' Pythagorean win expectation is through the roof, which tells you that they're a super competitive team; they rifle a bunch of shots at the cage per offensive possession (even if it takes them a while to find those shots); and they shoot about as well as anyone in the land. The issue with Maryland, of course, is their pace (there are only three teams that play fewer total possessions per 60 minutes of action than the Terrapins). If they'd just stop fearing the reaper a little bit, this would arguably be one of America's favorite clubs.

Here's how things shake out for the games. ESPN -- the worldwide leader in poop stains -- seems to have lined up the broadcast schedule appropriately, closing with the more fun of the two matches:

2012 NCAA TOURNAMENT: SEMIFINALS
AWAY HOME TIME (E.T.) FUN FACTOR RANK
MAY 26 GAMES
Notre Dame Loyola 2:30 4.4209 2
Maryland Duke 5:00 4.7172 1

The intermission entertainment is apparently a sea otter that will jump and do tricks while slyly stealing your wallet. Keep you head on a swivel at Gillette Stadium, folks.