College Crosse Job Placement Services, LLC

If you think that you're going to college to play lacrosse and prepare yourself for a lucrative professional lacrosse career that includes yachts and Carribean islands and a posse so that you can elbow your way into fancy clubs that cater to fancy professional lacrosse players and their fat wallets filled with rolls of Benjamins, I hate to break this to you but I must: You're drunk; drink some coffee and dry out, man.

Professional lacrosse just doesn't pay the bills; the skill attributes learned while playing college lacrosse, though, do set folks up for some nice jobs after eligibility has disappeared (kind of like the hundreds and hundreds of dollars earned while playing professional lacrosse). It's the value of these traits that make former college lacrosse players attractive to potential employers.

That's where College Crosse comes in. Not only is College Crosse a revered college lacrosse and college lacrosse-like Internet magazine thing, it's diversified. You've seen College Crosse's manufacturing arm -- College Crosse Industries, Ltd. -- and it remains the most innovative captain of lacrosse industry since, like, forever. Now it's time to unveil College Crosse's new division: College Crosse Job Placement Services, LLC. This is very exciting.

College Crosse Job Placement Services, LLC is the first outfit ever built to specifically to provide college lacrosse players with direction on what jobs they should pursue after graduating from school. The business uses a secret, in-house designed software program that gives college lacrosse players perfect job pursuits based on thousands of personal attributes, focusing heavily on actual lacrosse play. I'd license it to you, but that'd be bad business (and I only know good business, son).

Just to give you an idea of what College Crosse Job Placement Services, LLC is all about and how well the software works, here's a sampling of recommendations that the firm has recently made. Remember: If you steal this idea, I'll cut you with a machete (that's all the non-compete contract that I need).

Peter Baum
Colgate University, Attack
Major: Geography

Recommended Profession: Tactical ballistic missile

Report: Utilitarian approach to lacrosse ability translates well to literally becoming a tool for battlefield use. Like the fabricated missile that Baum will become -- we suggest consulting some science-type people to make this happen -- Baum is able to carry a wide variety of warheads -- highly explosive, nuclear, etc. -- to target enemy territories, facilities, and other holdings to which defensive positions have been taken. Becoming a piece of tangible personal property rather than a human with depth and interest does mitigate some of Baum's better aspects, but the software doesn't lie: Baum should literally become a rocket.

John Kemp
University of Notre Dame, Goalie
Major: Finance

Recommended Profession: Judge

Report: Embodies "You'll get nothing and like it!"

Chris LaPierre
University of Virginia, Midfield
Major: Everything

Recommended Profession: Astronaut/International supermodel/Race car driver

Report: A dirty dog that does it all, putting in the effort, is fully prepared to become a three-way professional threat in outer space, on the runway, and on the raceway. Ability to take a bullet to the chest shows well that LaPierre is uniquely positioned to survive a laser cannon shot to the sternum from an alien while exploring the galaxy.