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2016 NCAA Lacrosse Tournament: There is Only One True Champion -- Wagner

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Did you know that a 6-9 team from the NEC is better than all of the teams in the Final Four? It's true! (Sort of!)

Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

We all wasted too much time complaining about the final at-large selections to the NCAA Tournament field. Rutgers? Hopkins? Navy? None of these teams should have grasped a Pendant of Life over college lacrosse's One True ChampionTM -- Wagner.

This is a legitimate fact that can't be argued any other way: Wagner, despite going 6-9 and failing to make the NEC Tournament, is going to finish 2016 as the best team in college lacrosse regardless of the dog and pony show happening at Lincoln Financial Field. You may disagree with this, and if you do I have really terrible news for you: Science wants to punch you in the face.

Utilizing the transitive property (a fancy science term for "mic drop"), Wagner is better than all four teams taking up residence in Philadelphia this weekend. There is no way to possibly contest this perfect theory and I can't understand why the NCAA continues to lie about the fact that Wagner would embarrass any of any of the teams that are playing to win a fake championship on Memorial Day.

IS WAGNER BETTER THAN MARYLAND? YUP!

WAGNER WOULD KICK MARYLAND'S ASS
WINNER SCORE LOSER SCORE
Wagner 7 Dartmouth 6
Dartmouth 13 Michigan 12
Michigan 10 Delaware 7
Delaware 10 Towson 7
Towson 10 Denver 9
Denver 9 Notre Dame 8
Notre Dame 9 Maryland 4

Look at that: It only takes seven games to definitively prove with badass science that Wagner is better than Maryland. In fact, Wagner is better than four other NCAA Tournament teams, clearly illustrating that the Seahawks are way better than the Terps. I reckon that the final score would be, like, 20-4 in favor of Wagner against the (potentially imaginary national champion) Terrapins. Why even have this tournament if Wagner doesn't have the chance to show what science already knows? Ridiculous.

IS WAGNER BETTER THAN BROWN? HELL YEAH!

WAGNER WOULD BURY BROWN LIKE A CORPSE
WINNER SCORE LOSER SCORE
Wagner 15 Manhattan 8
Manhattan 11 Marist 10
Marist 10 Binghamton 8
Binghamton 10 Drexel 7
Drexel 14 Bryant 5
Bryant 11 Brown 10

The Seahawks are light years better than Brown. It only takes six games to show that Wagner would beat Brown like a drum and then light the drum on fire and then throw the lit drum into the sun. And look at that path to prove without a shadow of a doubt that Wagner could bench press Brown into orbit -- soft! Paramedics would need to be called to the field to treat Bruno for bruised feelings after the Seahawks destroyed their souls.

IS WAGNER BETTER THAN CAROLINA? OF COURSE!

WAGNER OWNS CAROLINA
WINNER SCORE LOSER SCORE
Wagner 15 Manhattan 8
Manhattan 11 Marist 10
Marist 10 Stony Brook 9
Stony Brook 13 Hofstra 5
Hofstra 10 North Carolina 5

Only five games are needed to confirm that Wagner would walk away in a laugher against the Tar Heels. Carolina may have broken its 20+-year Championship Weekend drought this year, but the 'Heels haven't snapped their winless streak against the Seahawks (the two teams have never played) and would easily lose to Wagner if the teams met this year.

IS WAGNER BETTER THAN LOYOLA? NO DUH!

WAGNER WOULD KICK A DOG AND NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT
WINNER SCORE LOSER SCORE
Wagner 7 Dartmouth 6
Dartmouth 13 Michigan 12
Michigan 10 Delaware 7
Delaware 10 Towson 7
Towson 10 Loyola 8

Once again, Wagner needs only a five-game path to eat a Final Four team's heart. It's such a load of crap that Loyola has the chance to run some shifts on the Linc's turf while Wagner is home on Staten Island doing whatever people do on Staten Island. This is a massive affront to science, democracy, and the American way of life! Where is the justice?! Where is the outcry for the Seahwaks, college lacrosse's most dominant team?!