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Tales From a Confused College Lacrosse Fan

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Football season's here, which is good. Unless, of course, you're this guy.

Kevin Jairaj-US PRESSWIRE

With the return of football this past weekend, the college sports calendar started on campuses across our great nation. For us lacrosse fans, it's an awesome time of the year even though it's not the same as watching our favorite spring sport: College football gamedays are full-day affairs, putting the TV on at 10 in the morning, grabbing some grub and things to drink, and spending the whole day on your couch doing a whole lot of nothing. Sounds awesome, right?

Well, not for one guy. College Crosse has learned that a resident from the Baltimore metro area, who shall remain nameless for his protection, complained to various media outlets about "screwing up college lacrosse programming." Apparently this guy is so woefully confused that he thinks it's the month of March. He also thinks football is lacrosse. We can only assume that this man suffered serious head trauma in January and was in a coma until sometime this summer, so if that's the case we can at least feel happy that he's doing better now.

We were acquire one of his e-mails from this past weekend thanks to our crack team of investigators and tipsters. The most damning example of his unique brand of bonkers, which we share below, ended up in many ESPN employees' inboxes without much explanation as to why.

Dear ESPN,

I was tuning in to see that "College Gameday" was back for the new lacrosse season. I'm extremely pleased to see your network add to your great lacrosse coverage with a new pregame show. However, I found there were many issues with your coverage.

First off, why were you in the Dallas-Fort Worth area? There's no lacrosse teams down there. I think you should've gone to College Park or Charlottesville instead. Also, you did a poor job of informing me that Florida State and Oklahoma State have added men's lacrosse, especially given the former is up against a tough set of opponents in the ACC. Don't make me get my sports from Drudge Report.

Second, why in the world did you put Lee Corso on your panel? I think it would've been much better to get Jack Emmer on board. Not only is he one of the most successful coaches to ever be a part of the game, but he has the most amazing Long Island accent ever. EM-MAH! (That's how it's done, jerkfaces.) And what did you do with Quint and Paul? I don't remember this Herbstreit fellow ever playing lacrosse at Ohio State. Oh, and you split them up, too! You can't split up Quint Kessenich and Paul Carcaterra. That's like splitting up Jordan and Pippen, or Belichick and Brady! Or pit beef and my stomach!

Third, when are you coming to my cit-taaaaaaaaaaaaay? We have lots of lacrosse teams in my cit-taaaaaaaaaay. That Saban fellow you talked about last weekend? Has he ever won at Homewood? Didn't think so. (I don't even know who he coaches. Syracuse? Probably. You guys are honks for Syracuse. Bums.) Baltimore will put your flim-flam in your ticky-tack or whatever. It's the Charm Cit-taaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Fourth, the field you looked live into wasn't lined properly for lacrosse. Have you started an investigation into this? This seems like a big deal. I'm looking at Homewood right now and it has lacrosse lines but the field at the cit-taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay you were at didn't. I don't think that's regulation.

Fifth, I don't negotiate with terrorists.

Although I commend your effort for spreading the game of lacrosse with this "College Gameday" concept, I hope you go back to the drawing board.

Sincerely,

[REDACTED]

Baltimore, MD

 P.S.: I also didn't know UCLA added lacrosse, but it sure was nice seeing my 'Hoos on the main channel!

Among other tips we have received, we have also heard that this man called CBS Sports Network to complain about the Ohio State-Navy game. He stressed that "removing Dave Ryan for that old guy who always calls the 16th hole at The Masters" was a "terrible idea" and that pairing him with "a guy who goes on and on about Alabama making the Final Four even though there [sic] apparently now a first year program" was "even worse."