Reverse Survivor: Three Teams Remain in Contention

The week started with five teams sporting the kind of perfect record that I enjoy the most: A zero in the left-hand column of its win-loss record, unblemished perfection that proves that we all can't grow up to be doctors, lawyers, and scientists that discover how to make chicken wings out of concrete. Two of those teams, however, decided that it'd be more fun to have a victory party rather than a therapy session after their games and went out and won a lacrosse game against a non-imaginary opponent:

• Bryant 10, Stony Brook 9: The streets of Long Island ran red with the blood of the Seawolves (which is actually a fake thing that probably doesn't have blood or anything) following Bryant's win over one of the America East's weirdest teams. Men in hats stopped working on important things to celebrate the Bulldogs' initial win of 2013; other men in hats politely asked the celebrating men in hats to get back to work because men in hats need to do important things all the time (which is why they're wearing hats). The win, while exciting in the first instance, now creates a potential "Albany Situation": Can Bryant, like Albany in 2012, remain in Reverse Survivor contention for half of the season and potentially earn an automatic invitation to the NCAA Tournament as the Northeast Conference's representative? If the world continues to spin sideways, the answer is "most definitely."
• Detroit 11, VMI 6: This is the heartless and nasty part of Reverse Survivor: When the competition pits eligible competitors against each other, Reverse Survivor creates a winner where only defeat runs free. The Titans -- desperate for a victory of any sort after suffering three losses this year of four goals or less -- basically did what stranded plane crash survivors do when attempting to stay alive in the cold reaches of a mountaintop: Look at the guy sitting next to him, decide that he looks delicious, rip out his eyeballs and his heart, remove a leg for a much-needed meal, pack the rest of the body in the snow, and then periodically snack on the corpse until a rescue chopper hovers overhead. (I've obviously thought this situation through on many occassions.) I'm not saying that cannibalism is a solid first option, but when hope waves goodbye and hops in a yacht to cruise the Caribbean for the rest of eternity, cannibalism isn't all that bad of an idea.

That leaves Division I with just three winless teams (Michigan, Sacred Heart, and VMI), none of which will face each other the rest of the way. The potential for a three-way tie for Reverse Survivor honors is real, although the Pioneers may have an easier time grabbing a win compared to the other contenders simply because Sacred Heart still has Wagner left on its schedule. Let's break down the competition the only reasonable way that I can think of: By having your cantankerous grandfather tell you what he thinks about these teams.

Team: Michigan (0-9)
Your Grandfather Says: "Back in dickety-six, we'd never let a lacrosse team not win a game. Sure, we were eating shoes for dinner because we had to send all our bread to the boys overseas, but there never once was a lacrosse team that did without a win back in my day. You kids these days with your phones that call space -- we never did land on the moon; I'll tell you about that another time because I have pictures that prove it (and my buddy Earl was a real astronaut and he was always just drunk in South Carolina the whole time he was in the space program) -- and shoes that you don't eat . . . you kids just don't understand. Also: Michigan doesn't have a lacrosse team so I don't know what you're talking about, you brat."

Team: Sacred Heart (0-8)
Your Grandfather Says: "My sciatica is killing me. Can you rub it? Come on, do your Pappi a favor and rub his sciatica. Ahhhh . . . that's a good boy. Sacred Heart? Yeah, I heard of 'em. No good carpetbaggers those guys are. They once stole a whole bottle of my best triple-X whiskey when we were in San Antonio trying to find work as rattlesnake wranglers. I've never forgiven Sacred Heart for that, cheating sons of bitches. Or was that my astronaut friend Earl? I don't remember."

Team: VMI (0-8)
Your Grandfather Says: "VMI? Sounds like something you pansy kids complain about and get a doctor to try and cure with some pills. Just drink some pancake batter and suck it up, punk."