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Reverse Survivor: Five Teams Remain Winless, Adorable

Your mother told you there'd be seasons like these.

Canisius removed itself from the crushing reality of Reverse Survivor with a 10-7 victory over VMI (Hi, Keydets!) this past weekend in Virginia. Vince Gravino and Tim Edwards were horsies running for carrots on the day, combining for 11 points and generally sticking their tongues out at VMI and doing that raspberry thing that makes people eye roll so hard that you can probably sell it as a marketable good. The win is latent with "'Supposed to do that!" but when there has been nothing but darkness, you can't complain when the bleeding light of dawn emerges.

With the Griffins' win, Division I lacrosse is left with only five teams -- Bryant, Detroit, Michigan, Sacred Heart, and VMI -- that haven't dumped Gatorade on a human because that Gatorade, apparently, was poisoned and if anyone drank it'd they die of death. Speaking of death (that's an expert segue if you're scoring at home), Dr. Suxa is in the house to diagnose and prescribed cures for the things that ail Division I's saddest cats. I'm a licensed medical professional with a specialization in bad lacrosse teams, so my opinion carries heavy weight. Also, you should quit eating trans fats. They're icky.

Bryant (0-6)
Diagnosed Terrible Medical Condition: Lost a leg in a freak Pop Tart-toasting accident. There was blood everywhere, man. Paramedics arrived to the scene in absolute horror, wondering why, in 2013, people are still eating Pop Tarts because they're just cardboard with nuclear winter as filling.
Prescription: Do not eat Pop Tarts. If you must eat Pop Tarts, do not let your dietician -- an angry alligator that hasn't eaten in three weeks -- prepare the Pop Tart as you idly look on.

Detroit (0-6)
Diagnosed Terrible Medical Condition: The Titans were strangled in a bar in El Paso by a guy with six teeth over an argument as to whether burritos or enchiladas are the dish that keeps the toilet paper industry in business. Medical professionals seem to indicate that this was not the first time that a bolo tie was used as a weapon of malfeasance to settle this debate
Prescription: Don't go to El Paso. Ever. What is there to do in El Paso that you can't do in, say, Oklahoma City or the streets of Calcutta? Nothing, college boy.

Michigan (0-8)
Diagnosed Terrible Medical Condition: Put underpants on backwards in the morning, making using the urinal at work impossible and embarrassing.
Prescription: Ditch the Underoos featuring images of the A-Team on them and start living the exciting life of bare-skin-against-pants.

Sacred Heart (0-6)
Diagnosed Terrible Medical Condition: After Janie died dysentery and needed to be buried somewhere on the plains, the family continued westward and eventually chose to ford the Columbia river while physically weak due to low food rations as bankers aren't particularly suited to become western settlers. All eventually drowned, including the oxen.
Prescription: You always caulk the wagon and float across the river, man. Always!

VMI (0-7)
Diagnosed Terrible Medical Condition: Has contracted an odd disease called "Everything."
Prescription: The best bet is reincarnation, if that's a real thing.