Important Lacrosse News From VMI

This could be one of my favorite things ever:

twitter.com/laxmonkey26/st…

— VMI Lacrosse (@VMILacrosse) January 28, 2013

FACT: VMI has the dietary habits of 12 year-old Hoya Suxa and the digestive system of a garbage disposal. I am equal parts impressed and horrified, not only because of the volume of what the Keydets put away but also the dedication necessary to look at the food pyramid, spit at it, and then eat until you sweat grease because Reveille at 05:00 hours is a cruel mistress that should be taunted.

I'm just ballparking this here -- dangerously so in many cases -- but the Google machine is telling me that, between these two meals, VMI ingested somewhere around:

• 126,360 calories from the pizza, which also provided a heart valve-hostile 3,078 grams of fat and 621 grams of saturated fat. "You wanna pizza pie and a brand new circulatory system? Hey, we-a got that here at Uncle Vinny's Pizza Parlor!"
• 36,890 calories from the wings, which also served up 2,604 grams of delicious fat and 651 grams of even more delicious saturated fat. Assuming the average player ate a dozen wings, that's only 680 calories per Wingador, which isn't too shabby.
• This is nothing more than a best guess estimation, but that the baked ziti intake accounted for somewhere around 18,000-20,000 calories and around 3,000 grams of fat. (I have no idea what the serving size of a catering pan of baked ziti is, but I'm assuming that it's "ridiculous large; would kill the average human.") That's . . . that should come with a nickname like "Paulie Walnuts" and a foray into the construction and/or waste management business.

That's grubbin', son (and also a reminder that actual athletes eat different than regular schlubs like you and I). I'll leave out the Gatorade because that's just cruel. Also, salads are for nerds.