Maximize Your Lacrosse Fun with Maximized Lacrosse Fun

You're a man or woman of fine and discerning lacrosse taste. I know this because you're reading this sophisticated lacrosse and lacrosse-like Internet concern. As you are among the college lacrosse bourgeoisie, you ascribe great value to the finer things in the game, namely, the kind of lacrosse that makes your mind explode and ruin that new ascot that Thurston gifted to you upon the purchase of your new yacht. Ahoy, polloi!

The last thing that you -- you titan of lacrosse industry -- want to do is get stuck watching boring teams play lacrosse. How passee. (That's still only for farmers, am I right?) So, as we approach the apex of the college lacrosse season with games happening all over the place at seemingly the same time, I'm here, once again, to help you identify which teams demand your eyeballs (especially the eyeball that is peering at things through a monocle).

It's time, then, to roll out another iteration of the "Fun Factor." The "Fun Factor" -- college lacrosse's only mechanized means for determining enjoyment through cold, hard Microsoft Excel data manipulation -- attempts to determine those teams that will fulfill the happiness void that clouds your high society existence. It's built on a foundation of things I generally like to see in a team: competitiveness; offensive fireworks; and a general willingness to play a bunch of possessions in a game. In short, it's Hoya Suxa's vision of what the universe should be -- one where goalies are embarrassed and teams look like unstoppable tank units.

Here's a table that details the current top ten in the country. Some brief notes follow:

• You may be asking yourself, "Where's Syracuse? They're always fun to watch! (And not just because they mismatch their wardrobe like an intoxicated teenager.)" Well, the Orange haven't been all that exciting this season: With a "Fun Factor" value of merely 3.6236 (22nd-nationally), Syracuse is still hanging around the top-third in the country in fun, but aren't exactly a party that has balloons and pony rides. Which stinks.
• Princeton? Princeton!?! To quote Sterling Archer, "Yuuuuuuuuuuup." This is one of the most competitive teams in the land and are actually cruising along possession-wise this season compared to years past when the Tigers sat squarely at the bottom of the country. When you throw in the fact that the Tigers can really can the bean -- Princeton has three players with at least 20 points that are shooting above 40 percent on the year (Tom Schreiber (42.1); Mike MacDonald (61.3); and Will Himler (42.9)) -- the Tigers have become a bit of a smoke show. Keep on keepin' on.
• Everyone seems to have their eyes on Colorado tonight for Duke-Denver, but for my money, tonight's most exciting game is actually up in Hamilton, New York: Bucknell-Colgate. The Bison and Raiders put on a fun one last Friday and tonight has the potential to satisfy just as well. In fact, if you blend Bucknell's and Colgate's "Fun Factor" ratings to come up with a game "Fun Factor" value, no game this season has hit the 6.1203 value that Bison-Raiders has. The Patriot League, boys and girls: You need to be paying more attention to it.
• Regarding Robert Morris and Hartford: Again, the "Fun Factor" doesn't attempt to determine the best teams in college lacrosse, just the most fun. The Colonials and Hawks -- despite the fact that they each exist in the ether of attention -- will make your heart sing. Robert Morris' "What wind? We just hate caution, so the whole 'throw it to the wind' thing is unnecessary" approach to the game is just a sight to behold. Hartford's offense and willingness to go at times is one of Division I's untold stories, mostly because the Hawks' defense this season has been treacherous. These are fun teams to watch, even if the end results -- icky losses in the case of Hartford and NEC skull-crushing in the case of Robert Morris -- aren't sublime.