Wagner Cup and Reverse Survivor Update: Say it Ain't So, St. Joe's and Holy Cross!

If you include Canisius and Cornell, each of which hasn't played a game yet, there are currently 17 Division I teams without a win in the 2012 season. That's about 28 percent of the nation that hasn't had the opportunity to experience free haircuts at the local barbershop. (Towns still do that after their local boys win games, right? Good.) As only about 17 percent of the games to be played this year are in the books, that isn't a particularly shocking fact. What is shocking, however, is that two strong candidates for Wagner Cup and Reverse Survivor honors this season are, for at least one award, completely out of the running.

In case you don't know, the Wagner Cup -- named in reverence of the truly putrid seasons that Wagner College has put together in recent history -- is awarded to the absolute worst team in Division I lacrosse; the most tired of the tired, the most impoverished the poor, the most ass-reddened of the summarily beaten. Reverse Survivor -- an honor stolen with loving appreciation from Storming the Floor -- is an award bestowed upon the last team to win a regular season Division I game, if at all.

So, yeah, this is pretty important stuff.

While it's still too early to start talking Wagner Cup contenders (Take it one game at a time, son!), Reverse Survivor is good for all seasons. This past weekend, three of the six teams predicted to be in season-long contention for Reverse Survivor honors actually, well, won. I know; this is shocking stuff. Is your heart feeling okay? Should I call a doctor or something? What did you have for lunch? Yeah, it's probably what you had for lunch.

It's time to celebrate those three schools. Winning at the Division I level is hard; you need to do wind sprints and overcome travel and, in some cases, engage in burrito-eating contests and a nightmarish 20 minutes of REO Speedwagon blasting from a Chevelle. These aren't easy tasks. So, with that out of the way, the following teams are officially eliminated from Reverse Survivor contention:

• HOLY CROSS: The Crusaders went into Hartford and pulled out a 15-14 overtime thriller against the Hawks. Trust me: Nobody, and I mean nobody, just waltzes into the Heartbeat and knocks over a can of tomatoes. The win was the first for first-year head coach Jim Morrissey and for his and the team's efforts, College Crosse suggests the institution fete their heroes with a party on the quad featuring a ball pit and a hot dog eating contest. They deserve it.
• SAINT JOSEPH'S: This one was particularly shocking. After a winless campaign in 2011 in which the Hawks -- What's the deal with teams named "Hawks" and their connection to Reverse Survivor? -- shared Reverse Survivor honors with Wagner, St. Joseph's hosted VMI and came away with a rousing 12-4 decimation of the Keydets. It was the first win for the Hawks in 670 (!!!) days. For their efforts, College Crosse suggests the institution fete their heroes with a six-foot party sandwich filled with gold watches and other valuable jewelry. (It doesn't make for a particularly good sandwich, but it makes for great NCAA violations.)
• PROVIDENCE: Admittedly, I only counted the Friars as a darkhorse in this year's Reverse Survivor championship. After a 10-5 defeat at the hands of Lafayette to open the season, however, Providence was looking stronger (or, as it were, weaker) than I anticipated. Regardless, the Friars' hope for hardware was dashed with its 13-5 drubbing of -- you guessed it -- Wagner. In honor of the Friars' accomplishment, College Crosse suggests the city fete their heroes with a no-bid contract to build an overpriced and underconstructed facility along the Providence River. This is Providence after all, and corruption isn't going to make itself happen.