In case you’ve been tucked away in a basement laboratory, the subject of various experiments to genetically engineer a human with a cannon to create the world’s most dangerous weapon, tomorrow is Election Day in these here United States of America. This is important for two reasons: (1) Election Day is the most visible aspect of democracy, the finest form of government ever created; and (2) You’ll finally be able to use Facebook again because of all your stupid friends won’t be inundating you with garbage about how if Candidate X gets elected he’ll surely sell all of humanity to our future robot overlords, leaving us to tend the RAM fields until we die of malnourishment or robot crushing.
This got me to thinking: What if college lacrosse was involved in the political scene? What would that look like? I’m not talking about silly things like voting for goals of the year or stuff that like; I’m talking about what if Dom Starsia ran for Interstellar President of Space Command X-R9 on a platform of run ‘n gun and having a hoarse voice? You know, totally important stuff like that. Would Starsia be able to court the gelatinous alien blobs from Starfield H? It’s an important theoretical exercise that we should examine.
Here’s some political lacrosse stuff. It’s all very important.
44 Presidents in our history (35 were elected by party bosses and nine through the electoral college)!
Candidate, Clarity in Execution Party
“My platform is simple: Execution, and why we call it that. It’s not that I’m for or against capital punishment, but we, as Americans, have been lead astray as to the definition and instances of execution. Each week, I have tirelessly attempted to inform the American public why things are called execution, only to be met by people just like yourselves that ask me, ‘Eamon, why do I still not understand why they call it execution?’ I promise you that if elected, I will tell each man, woman, and child why execution is execution, and more importantly, why 'they' call it that.
Candidate, Supreme World College Lacrosse Emperor
Massachusetts is making its second run for Supreme World College Lacrosse Emperor, foiled in last cycle’s attempt due to a wayward campaign strategy that included stops at Providence, Albany, Hartford, and Columbus instead of big voting populations like Chapel Hill, Durham, Syracuse, and Baltimore. Analysts were worried about the schedule for these stumping grounds, and it may have cost the Minutemen the election in 2012.
Candidate, President of Earth
“I did accept a Pontiac Fiero but I did not punch the gas.”
“It’s our party’s guiding principle that, as the Founders intended, big athletic departments are bad for America. We’ll cut the fat – Goodbye, soccer! Nice knowing you, track and field! – to make way for a free market that gets us back to our roots: lacrosse. And if you decide that we shouldn’t fund lacrosse in the future, we’ll cut that too because those Big Athletic Government liberals are ruining America!”
Candidate, Americans for Intensity and RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Party
[puts on a Teddy Roosevelt mask]
[rides a horse around Multi-Sport Field, saying “Bully!” over and over]