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The 2011 Ivy League Tournament, Brought to You by Privilege

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The Colonial gets all the ink on being THUNDERDOME! and all, but that doesn't mean that it's the only competitive conference out there. No way, man. There's lots of leagues with depth and destruction. The Colonial is only THUNDERDOME! because of its brutish force and the construct of its membership.

One of those conferences that carries a comparative level of competitive juice is the Ivy League. That conference, though, is a little bit different than THUNDERDOME!: Refined and tradition-based, more like a social club that is defined with its catty backstabbing.

In fact, it's kind of like one of those tennis clubs that Ivy graduates love to populate. You've got all the wealthy males out on the courts, playing a stupid game of "hit the rubber ball to each other until it's time to stop wearing stupid looking shorts." The real action, though, is in the club quarters where all the Chatty Cathy wives (and girlfriends that the wives don't know about) gossip all the way to deteriorated friendships until one woman stands clear as queen bee/bitch.

That woman, with respect to Ivy League lacrosse, is Cornell. The Big Red stand atop the Ivy mountain with an unblemished record (much like Kitty, the tennis club's social chair and bon vivant of all things privilege). The rest of the league shakes out as follows:

  • Pennsylvania: That old bag that's always hanging around in that tired cashmere sweater. She's nothing pretty to look at, but cross her and you'll not only look for a new tennis club to frequent, but also a new private golf club to get blitzed at.
  • Yale: Some of the nonsense that comes out of her mouth makes you question her Emily Post, but she married well. She's living fat off of Daddy's investment portfolio despite being a bit of a vacuous vehicle. Her appearance is sublime, but there isn't much substance.
  • Harvard: She's got the dirt on everyone but tries to hide the shit from her stink. Also has a cocaine habit that would put second-rate rock stars to shame. Is probably screwing the gardener, too.
  • Princeton: Her husband just got collared by the police for running a ponzi scheme. A truly tragic scene. She hasn't come around the club lately.
  • Brown/Dartmouth: The help.

And, with all of that stupidity out of the way, here's how the Ivy League Tournament participants stack up:

Cornell 70.72 19 38.57 1 24.21 11 14.36 1
Pennsylvania 60.41 55 29.21 21 22.92 5 6.29 13
Harvard 72.50 10 30.31 18 26.43 24 3.88 23
Yale 67.20 31 30.06 19 25.61 17 4.45 20

PACE = Number of possessions per 60 minutes.
AOE = Adjusted offensive efficiency (goals for per 100 offensive possessions).
ADE = Adjusted defensive efficiency (goals against per 100 defensive possessions).
AEM = Adjusted efficiency margin (AOE less ADE).

Cornell has the inside edge on the Tournament -- as host and as the clear favorite -- and should take care of business. The only team that would shock me if they won the playoff is Yale, although that shock would be muted (much like a pastel tennis polo).

Wondering who's going to rule the tennis club this weekend? Watch out for these backstabbing gossip hounds:

Rob Pannell Cornell 15.24 1
David Lau Cornell 7.51 71
Steve Mock Cornell 6.01 131
Roy Lang Cornell 6.01 131
Dean Gibbons Harvard 9.93 12
Jeff Cohen Harvard 5.62 150
Kevin Vaughan Harvard 4.68 191
Daniel Eipp Harvard 4.12 202
Corey Winkoff Pennsylvania 8.83 29
Al Kohart Pennsylvania 6.49 109
Brian Douglass Yale 8.64 34
Matt Gibson Yale 6.79 98
Gregory Mahony Yale 4.73 190
Brandon Mangan Yale 3.29 206

T.O.V. = Total Offensive Value (individual points per 100 offensive possessions).
Rank = National T.O.V. rank.

So, who are you taking to take it all? Vote and comment to your heart's desire.