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"What Kind of Training?" "Irish Training, Sir!"

Notre Dame is doin' stuff.

Notre Dame is well into its fall practice period. Like every other Division I lacrosse program currently located on Earth (standing vigilant against the coming robot apocalypse, a certainty with a fixed date of "0011100101"), the Irish have built a fall schedule that features skill development as well as strength and conditioning. These Arnold Workouts at ArlottaTM -- at least in the recent past -- have included pulling a semi just because they could. This is important, mostly because I am certain that Notre Dame is a terrific wholesale opportunity away from purchasing a gross of live gators so that the team can wrassle 'em and really develop untoned muscles and a killer instinct.

In an apparent effort to maintain secrecy around the program's sophisticated and unique training plans, the Irish have not yet bestowed upon the general public pictures or videos of Notre Dame's freshman carrying atlas stones up and down the library steps. The team has, however, given a glimpse into their fall training.


This seems incredibly dangerous and arguably unnecessary, which is why it is perfect:

This is how I envision all medical insurance claims associated with throwing-medicine-balls-blindly-into-the-sky start: "Well, I was just standing on a lacrosse field with my grey t-shirt tucked into my white shorts -- don't judge me! -- and medicine balls started raining from above. I know! They didn't even have that kind of weather in the Old Testament! And that was the angry, vengeful God that was in his smoting period! So, anyway, my head is currently located somewhere just north of my belly. That's why my voice may be a little muffled right now; I'm speaking through my torso. The doctor said I'd eventually be fine -- he cited Wile E. Coyote as a good example -- but I really don't think I should have to cover the co-pay due to an act of God."


That video at the top of the post features Notre Dame doing strength and conditioning things in montage form, because, as everyone knows, the only way to strength and condition is through five-second clips of sweat and grind. Let's break this down:

0:07: Good agenda, but where's the note about punching large cuts of meat in an industrial freezer?

0:10: That player performance manual better have listings for "Tucked t-shirt into shorts? Y/N"

0:15: T-shirts-tucked-into-shorts count: Approximately four. These players are ready for a Scrabble tournament at the local senior center.

0:30: Shuttle drills are life's way of determining which people understand that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line and that any other option is torture punishable under the United States Constitution.

0:45: Vertical testing: Important for skying for lacrosse rebounds. (That's a real thing that actually exists, right? Good. I was worried that Notre Dame was just testing its players to determine which guys were best suited for grabbing cans of beefaroni on the tippity-top shelf in the team locker room.)

0:49: That plate is on scholarship. Graduated with honors from Make Life Difficult for Humans Academy. Also: What's up with the Thunderdome-like chain on the floor? Is this how the Irish's captains settle disputes in the weight room? "Alright, I hear you, Tommy, but unfortunately you're going to have to settle this with Fitzy in a duel to the death. Take this chain; you'll be fine -- he only has a flamethrower."

0:57: Excellent t-shirt-tucked-into-shorts ratio here. The marching band is impressed.