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Important Lacrosse News: Notre Dame Pulled a Tractor Trailer

Strength and conditioning and "Roger that, convoy!"

Eric Hartline-US PRESSWIRE - Presswire

Finally, we have a college lacrosse team doing some real strength and conditioning. The beep test? For children. Squatting four-bills while reciting the alma mater? [fart noise] Battling rope conditioning? That's for weak-ass longshoremen, son.

No, we're in a different kind of paradigm now, you guys. Take everything you know about strength and conditioning and throw it out the window. It's "Get big or get lost!" nowadays, and there's only one way to make that happen: Make Mangus Ver Magnusson your strength and conditioning coach and pull a tractor trailer just because:

Sure, Notre Dame says it did this all for charity, but we all know the real reason why Notre Dame pulled a tractor trailer: Because it was sitting there and someone needed to pull it. Big East titles aren't won and lost because teams did some sit-ups with a plate of iron on their chest. No way. Big East titles are won by blasting "East Bound and Down" and trying to pull a rig filled with Coors east of Texarkana just because.

Now, if someone will just buy my "Fight with Deadly Robots" conditioning program, my personal redefinition of college lacrosse will be complete.