Georgetown Still Needs a Head Coach; I'm Here to Help

Former Georgetown head coach Dave Urick stepped down from his position on July 13, 2012, almost a full month ago. In that time, Urick has likely sipped a lot of lemonade on a veranda while wondering whether a gazebo would really bring his backyard together. It's the life of a retiree, a schedule that probably looks something like this:

• 5:30 A.M.: Wake up.
• 5:35 A.M.: Pee
• 6:45 A.M.: Finish peeing.
• 7:00 A.M.: Breakfast
• 7:30 -- 10:30 A.M.: Morning nap.
• 10:30 A.M.: Lunch. Make sure to undertip the waitress because that's not what things cost in 1968, hun.
• 11:15 A.M. -- 4:00 P.M.: Afternoon nap punctuated with frequent pee breaks.
• 4:01 P.M.: Debate taking a shower and taking off your "#1 Technophobe!" pajamas.
• 4:02 P.M.: Acquiesce to the wife and actually shower. What a hag.
• 4:30 P.M.: Supper. Everyone knows the Perkins has the best steaks in town and the best time to get it is when the sun is still high in the sky.
• 5:45 P.M.: Sit on porch and pretend to read.
• 6:50 P.M.: Bed time! There's no use in watching the filth they put on the nightly news anymore.

Georgetown University, as an operating entity that actually still requires a volition in existence, doesn't have the kind of luxury that Urick now has. Nope. Georgetown needs to hire a head coach, and if the following tweet is any indication, things probably aren't going so hot for the Hoyas right now:

I keep forgetting that the Georgetown coaching job remains open.

— quint kessenich (@QKessenich) August 8, 2025

That ain't good. No way, man. That ain't good at all.

Luckily, I'm here to solve Georgetown's hiring problems. Not only are these great candidates for the Hoyas top spot, these offerings provide all kinds of advantages that Georgetown probably never thought about. Instead of giving Director of Athletics Lee Reed my full list of options, I'll limit it to the best four so that he isn't overwhelmed with options.

• CANDIDATE I: A grizzly bear wearing a diaper and a scantily-clad lady with a hacksaw. Co-head coaches, baby. It might work at UMBC, and if you up the degree of difficulty, a Benny Hill-type staff -- running about the field, suddenly covered in toilet paper, and eventually sipping martinis at a haute restaurant -- may be just the answer to all the questions that Georgetown will have on the field in 2013 and beyond. It's brand identity, people, and slapstick just doesn't get the credit that it deserves.
• CANDIDATE II: The lacrosse-playing slice of everything pie. First of all, who wouldn't want to play for a genetically-engineered pizza-human? Nobody, that's who. Second, it's a slice of pizza that plays lacrosse; you'd be stupid if you didn't hire it to lead your lacrosse program.
• CANDIDATE III: The Eye of Providence. Georgetown already thinks that they're the Illuminati, why not let them continue the fallacy in earnest? Hell, a little symbolism might actually let them exact a little control over the universe, such as convincing someone to actually coach their lacrosse team instead of resting on an image displayed on American currency.
• CANDIDATE IV: The rotting remains of former Alabama football coach Bear Bryant, held together with Twizzlers with wax lips affixed to his mouth so he doesn't look completely creepy. ROLL TAHD!