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Wait, Taxes are Due Today?!?: College Lacrosse Schedule for April 17, 2012

Apr 1, 2012; East Rutherford, NJ, USA;  Syracuse Orange defender Matt Harris (44) brings the ball up field against the Duke Blue Devils at the Big City Classic at MetLife Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Jim O'Connor-US PRESSWIRE
Apr 1, 2012; East Rutherford, NJ, USA; Syracuse Orange defender Matt Harris (44) brings the ball up field against the Duke Blue Devils at the Big City Classic at MetLife Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Jim O'Connor-US PRESSWIRE

Did you know that today is the day that you're supposed to file and pay your taxes? It's true! In case you forgot, though, I'm here to help you out: In real life I use my giant tax attorney mind at a big ol' accounting firm. So, before you hurriedly slap some numbers on what may or may not be the correct tax forms (a Subway napkin isn't an approved form by the IRS, genius), let me clue you in to some serious deductions and tax tricks that may be useful to you:

  • That's "special" movie that you rented at the hotel through your television? That's probably eligible for a tuition deduction as "sex education." Go ahead and claim it.
  • The use tax is just a trick that governments use to get you to give them free money. I wouldn't report any of it because "Imaginary" isn't an imposition of tax supported by the Constitution.
  • I usually claim all beer purchases as eligible medical deductions. They don't call it "Grandpa's Cough Medicine" just for show.
  • I don't recommend putting "Go to Hell, jerkface!" as your profession on your tax return. Sure, it's funny now, but Captain My Job is Important and Look at My Calculator who is going to audit you probably won't see the humor in it.
  • Remember: You might have a separate trade or business that you don't even know about that could generate tons of deductions to offset income. That new television you bought and watch all day while lying on the couch? Sounds like a business deduction to me, Citizen Journalist.

Pretty good, right? My clients usually have to pay me hundreds of thousands of dollars for this kind of genius. You guys are getting a hell of a deal.

Anyway, here's the full schedule for tonight:

APRIL 17, 2012
AWAY HOME TIME FUN FACTOR RANK
Dartmouth Vermont 6:00 1.0725 4
Syracuse Hobart 7:00 3.3277 1
Providence Brown 7:00 1.4479 3
Pennsylvania St. Joseph's 7:00 1.4601 2

Leave your comments about the game or anything else (QUERY: Do you have any other really good tax deductions that the world is missing?) in the comments below.