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The Michigan Strength and Conditioning Montage is a Strength and Conditioning Montage


The last time that Michigan sent out some lacrosse propaganda was about a month ago when a dispatch from the Michigan Ministry of Truth let the world know that the Wolverines were participating in "The Program." (I have confirmed that "The Program" is not just a different way of saying, "Committing Genocide.") Michigan looked as if it was doing work in those 2:30, but I remain concerned about some of the players' internal rhythm when doing jumping jacks. That will clearly have an impact on the Wolverines' lacrosse ceiling in 2013.

We now receive another video from Ann Arbor showing that Michigan is working harder than anybody, lifting heavy things and doing totally weird conditioning. The offseason doesn't mean that it's all Kentucky-Fried-Chicken-and-Halo-4 (well, it is for me, but I'm a blogger, not a college lacrosse player); it's about doing work (or something). Let's break this video down, pals and gal pals.

0:49: Why wasn't there a Whitesnake-level guitar scream on that lift? Flowing locks, pure terror and strength. The only thing that would make it better is if he was lifting in a jean jacket.

1:00: "Strength is a matter of a made up mind." I'm not a scientist or anything, but I'm pretty sure that strength is a matter of muscles. That just seems like a better understanding of physiology to me. I could be wrong; I don't know. Neo from The Matrix, though, was pretty strong and he did most of his damage with his mind. Which, of course, raises this point: The Wolverines have obviously cracked the code to manipulate reality with their minds through telekinesis. This is an important move forward in the progress of both the program and college lacrosse in totem.

1:32: The hell is this?

1:34: The hell is this, part two? It's this one that is especially curious, since I'm pretty sure I use those things during tailgate parties when I throw golf balls connected by a rope around that kind of piping structure.

2:02: You see that? Now, it looks like the counterweight is lifting him off the ground, but what really happened is that he figured out how to fly like Neo. I'm telling you: Michigan is manipulating the matrix. We're all totally boned.

2:25: After seeing this in slow motion, I'm even more confused. Do they need to do that to power the lights in the building or something? Kind of like a hamster wheel, you know? Free labor, I guess.

2:35: Worst obstacle course on Ninja Warrior ever.