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Michigan, The Big House, and The Program

Doin' stuff, like animals.

What did you do this morning?

If you're like me -- filled with chicken nuggets from a chicken nugget eating contest from last night, a bold move with zero benefit to society as a whole and lacking complete human value other than keeping the processed chicken industry in business -- you probably woke up with the sun already risen, took a shower, and shuffled off to work or school for a day filled with mindless boredom. If you're not like me -- specifically, if you're a member of the Michigan lacrosse team -- your day started a little different:

Steps at 5 A.M.? And I complained about having to walk up two flights of stairs from the subway to street level this morning.

Michigan is still fist-smashing its way through offseason conditioning, an important period for a program trying to find its way through Division I lacrosse. The Wolverines have recently revisited the training regimen from "The Program," a conditioning regime developed by former military personnel designed to, I suppose, make human beings vomit. Let's break down the video.

0:11: Sneakers need hydration. Don't forget to give your sneakers lots of water breaks.

0:23: With Michigan's increasing presence in the Big House for lacrosse, we are just a few years away from a school establishing a lacrosse moon base, with seating for over 135,000 humans and alien-type things that may or may not be gelatinous, in an effort to one-up the competition.

0:35: Yup, definitely a conditioning exercise borrowed from Flashdance. "The Program" is obviously the work of big Jennifer Beals fans. "Oh, what a feelin'!"

0:43: Number 35, over on the left: Zero rhythm in his entire body. I almost feel bad for him. I'd say he marches to the beat of his own drum, but he's deaf, the drum he's beating is done by hands rife with arthritis, and the voices in his head are counting, "One . . . one . . . huh? . . . six! I got this!"

1:12: Wasn't this one of the fraternity competitions in Revenge of the Nerds?

1:19: It was the worst day in Michigan lacrosse history, with over a dozen players needing to be carried off the field for medical attention due to over-exertion and a serious stretcher shortage in the greater Ann Arbor area.

1:28: I'm assuming this is a drill to prepare Michigan for the amount of laser fire they will see in 2013 when facing Colgate's offense at Citi Field.


2:19: Sure, the fight song is nice, but how about a selection from Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass? "It was a little Spanish flea. . . ."