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Important Lacrosse News: The Great Albany Tug o' War

To be honest, I prefer races with atlas stones.

If I was in charge of a college lacrosse strength and conditioning program, there are a few things I'd focus on. First, of course, would be strength. Rather than implementing a pedantic program that everyone else uses -- repetitions with weights that are designed to meticulously develop targeted muscles for optimal use -- I'd pay heed to my spirit guide -- Magnus Ver Magnusson -- and make the players dead-lift Volkswagens and try to throw large logs over other logs perilously positioned above their heads. You know, standard issue strong man stuff. Which is why I love the fact that Notre Dame pulled a semi not too long ago.

With respect my my conditioning program, I'm also going off the beaten path. Rather than build endurance, I'd condition my players to put regional bias above all else (it's more of a mental conditioning of distaste, actually). This doesn't have anything to do with having to run around for 60 minutes or anything. That just seems silly. Vainful pride of where one grew up, dolloped with a hatred of people that didn't grow up exactly where you did, seems the kind of wayward competition that I want conditioned into a player's soul.

Luckily, it appears as if Albany has already taken steps in this direction. Combining feats of strength that people named Phineas and Barnaby engage in with slightly-different regional biases, the Great Danes have stumbled upon total consciousness: a tug o' war in which a fool is dragged on the ground. To the breakdown!

0:02: Welcome to Albany Tug o' War Club! The first rule of Albany Tug o' War Club is that you don't talk about Albany Tug o' War Club, which is weird because this video is now on YouTube for everyone to see. That rule may need to be amended. The second rule of Albany Tug o' War Club, I guess, is to stare like a huckleberry at the camera violating the first rule of Albany Tug o' War club with your buddy.

0:11: "We want some mo', we want some mo!" I agree with you, if we're talking about pulled pork.

0:15: Wait. Pause the video right here. There's a cat with a clipboard and what appears to be a whistle and a stopwatch. It's tug o'war; who's looking at the stat sheet?

0:24: Go time!

0:30: ATTENTION UNIVERSE: Bearded bald man sighting! I repeat: Bearded bald man sighting! Harley Davidsons are at the ready.

0:43: This is tense enough. If I was in a tug o' war, I wouldn't want a dozen people yelling at me. I don't need that kind of pressure. I have a youth soccer cone to touch, dammit, and I don't need any distractions.

0:44: Things aren't going so well for the guy on the left, what with his body being dragged across the carpet like a carcass. Get him more MET-Rx, stat!

0:48: The situation has not improved. This is not good for him. Being dragged on the floor in a tug o' war competition is not good technique. No, sir.

0:56: Nice yellow turtleneck, hoss.