"There's nothing easier than filling out an NCAA Tournament bracket. All you have to do is cross out all of the schools that don't exist and then not be an idiot. Just look at this thing -- only 13 of these teams are real. Those 13 teams have Division I lacrosse teams, and those are the only damn schools that matter. This is a fact; I've written important research about this on various message boards and comment sections on The Baltimore Sun -- a bunch of sheeple on that newspaper's site, I tell you -- and the lame stream media hasn't caught on to it yet."
"All I keep hearing on ESPN is, 'Kentucky is undefeated. Can the 'Cats run the table?' Guess what, jerks? North Carolina's undefeated, too. And could Kentucky beat the undefeated 2005 Johns Hopkins team? No way! This Calipari guy ain't no Petro, and Kyle Harrison is way better than any of those Harrison guys that Kentucky has on their fake basketball team at their fake school. Ain't no way -- no way! -- that a school without a lacrosse team is actually going to win this damn basketball thing. How about you get Quint on there to unleash some truth about the lies you're telling me? I didn't think so. This is all a plot to convince the American public that Belmont is a place with books and a basketball court instead of a race track that is clearly inferior to God's Pasture -- Pimlico."
"The NCAA tried to hide all of this by putting at least one real school in each of the regions. You think you're clever, NCAA, but I see through your con. All you're doing is making my job easier. I'm picking between three schools in the Midwest Region -- Maryland, Notre Dame, and Manhattan. Somebody told me over at the Natty Boh factory when I was picking up some suds that Manhattan already lost to something called a 'Hampton.' I know he was lying to me because you can't lose a fake game. So the Jaspers are still in my bracket 'cause I've seen House of Cards -- filmed in Baltimore, thank you very much! -- and I know the lengths liars go to make lies a reality. Anyway, I got Maryland -- TERPS! -- beating Manhattan in the regional semis by a score of 2,000,000-8. New York City sucks and Maryland is lighting cigars with $100 bills now with all that Big Ten money. And then the Terps will beat Notre Dame in the regional finals to advance to the Final Four because the Irish don't have enough MIAA players on their team."
"In that West Region I also have three teams to pick from -- North Carolina, Harvard, and Ohio State. Carolina drew Harvard in the first round, probably to try and hide the fact that the NCAA put together a predominantly fake bracket. I'm taking the Tar Heels over the Crimson because New England doesn't know anything about lacrosse and I once applied there for admission but they told me they couldn't enroll me because they don't offer a degree in 'Tellin' Truths!' At the bottom of the bracket I have Ohio State pushing all the way to the regional final to face North Carolina because the Buckeyes got a super easy draw -- they're surrounded by fake, idiot teams. I have Carolina going to the Final Four in a Joe Breschi's Current Job versus Joe Breschi's Former Job special. It may have taken a bracket full of fake schools, but North Carolina is finally back in the Final Four!"
"The East Region is full of real teams, which makes this region tough to pick. Look -- Villanova, Providence, Albany, and Virginia. All real schools. This region is the smoking gun on the NCAA's attempt to pull a fast one on you. They totally screwed this region up, especially with the quality of the teams in that region. I got Villanova going all the way to the regional finals -- but Philadelphia ain't got nothing on Baltimore except for cases of STD's! -- where the Wildcats will face all those guys from Albany. It wasn't too hard to pick Albany to beat Providence or Virginia -- the Friars ain't never won a championship and I have a long standing policy against hating Virginia because it tries to big time Maryland all the time. I'm serious -- Virginia is an elitist assbag. 'Oh, America started here!' Yeah, and almost all the settlers died because your state sucks so bad. Anyway, Albany beats Villanova to go to the Final Four because I have crazy respect for a state school that would almost consider enrolling me."
"The South Region is cake -- the whole bottom half of the bracket is canceled. None of those teams are remotely real. UAB? Sounds like one of them black ops that the government runs that only Matt Drudge has the guts to tell us about. Davidson? As in 'Harley'? We ain't playing 'Cool' for the next three weeks; we're playing sports. North Dakota State? It figures Obama would make a new state. So I got Duke beating Robert Morris and then St. John's to get all the way to the regional final where they'll play Georgetown. Kevin Warne's my kind of guy -- I assume he gets up in the morning and eats a balanced breakfast of four cinder blocks and a gallon of quarter-inch bolts -- but I got to take Duke here. I have mad respect for barbecue, even if it isn't as good as a shoe fished out of the Inner Harbor that's covered in Old Bay."
"The Final Four? Give me Maryland over Carolina -- TERPS! -- and Duke over Albany. We'll have an old school ACC showdown in the final with Maryland winning the national championship and Dick Edell being named Emperor of Earth."