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Important Information on Birthday Cakes

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I have feelings about cakes. These are those feelings.

Yesterday was John Danowski's birthday. He is question mark years old:

Here is a definitive ranking of types of birthday cakes:

  1. Ice cream cake: This is the gold standard. Ice cream cake is the undisputed champion of birthday cakes, undefeated in birthday cake competition while leaving a trailing of bloody frosting in its wake. Fudge-and-chocolate-crunchies in the middle of ice cream cakes sets ice cream cake apart from all others, even if ice cream cake is served in the winter for a birthday celebration. If a restaurant opened that served all-you-can-eat ice cream cake, I would give them all of my money and eat forever (and probably die).
  2. Angel food cake: The no-pants of cakes.
  3. Chocolate peanut butter torte: The best part of this cake: You don't have to share it with your jerk friends and family members that have a peanut allergy. The second best part of this cake: everything else.
  4. Wheel of assorted cheesecake slices: Your grandmother demands this on her birthday and she's a genius for requiring it. It's a nontraditional move, but everyone thought teams were crazy for implementing box-style offenses in the field game, too.
  5. A whole mess of whoopie pies: This isn't so much a cake as a whole mess of whoopie pies piled top of each other with a candle on top. I guess you could make a gigantic whoopie pie -- is there a world record for largest whoopie pie? -- but a whole mess of whoopie pies promotes eating as many whoopie pies as possible without becoming a diabetic.
  6. TIE -- chocolate cake and red velvet cake: Of the traditional birthday cakes, these two are the only two that are worth your time and mastication. You shouldn't stab your friends or family for making you eat these cakes. In fact, they should remain your friends and family if they present this to you on your special day, which is basically the highest compliment you can pay your friends and family.
  7. Brownie cake: I have no idea if this is an actual cake -- I mean, it's possible, right? -- and that's why it comes in sixth. However, if this is a real thing that exists, it probably holds the fourth position in the set of rankings.
  8. Lemon cake: And with a cream cheese frosting? HELLO, SINGULARITY!
  9. Giant cupcake: Never change, ESPNU commercials.
Everything else is common street trash.