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The Most Ridiculous Highlight Package Ever

Attention Earth: Stop making useless highlights of games that aren't actual highlights of games.

There is nothing worse than highlights packages that function as a weather report that notes that when the eye of the hurricane passes overhead that the weather will be fine, ignoring the fact that a tanker truck could end up in your living room due to murderous winds. I understand why schools construct highlights like this, but as a fan of the game, these types of highlights make me want to destroy things with concentrated anger that shoots out of my eyes and burns stuff to the ground.

Which brings us to the attached video. Lafayette may have constructed the most ridiculous highlight package ever, somehow turning an 18-4 clobbering at the hands of Navy into a wistful remembrance of "Navy Slides Past Men's Lacrosse." The truth of the game is that Navy straight-up demolished the Leopards and could have erased the Leopards from existence if the Midshipmen didn't power things down in the second half. This requires a breakdown.

0:20: We start, of course, at the 13:50 mark of the second quarter with Lafayette down 0-8. There is no explanation for the Leopards' deficit. It's assumed that Lafayette, as gentlemen of the game, have spotted the Mids eight goals without asking anything in return. The reality is this: Navy scored eight goals on 13 shots (the Midshipmen shot 61.54 percent in the game's first 16:10) while Lafayette took a meager three shots (only one was on goal) and committed five turnovers. The Leopards managed defensive stops on six of Navy's 14 possessions prior to where the highlights pick up the action (the Midshipmen scored on over 57 percent of their offensive opportunities in the game's first 16:10). The game was over even before the Leopards let slip that a game was happening.

0:33: The game has moved ahead about six minutes and Lafayette has yielded three more goals. These tallies weren't shown because, presumably, space aliens scored goals for Navy and the government has precluded the Leopards from showing them to a public that is not ready to realize that space aliens exist. We see Lafayette winning a faceoff, which is impressive because the Leopards committed three faceoff violations in the first half and won only four draws in the game's first 30 minutes of play. The ensuing goal from Lafayette was the only goal that the Leopards scored in the first half and was one of six shots -- !!!!!!!!!! -- that Lafayette took over the game's first half of action (the Leopards had more turnovers (nine) than shots (six) in the first 30). Interestingly, Lafayette scored on a possession directly earned from a faceoff win in this highlight. Navy did that five times in the first half against the Leopards.

1:02: There's 13:40 on the clock in the third period. Navy has magically scored three more goals, presumably with their freaky dark magic mind tricks. Hey, two saves! That's 20 percent of the saves that Lafayette made against Navy. The Leopards finished the day with a 37.93 save percentage.

1:12: Look at that! Things happening in relative sequence! It's a propaganda miracle!

2:05: Navy has impossibly scored two more goals that apparently didn't happen, giving the Midshipmen a 16-3 lead in real life but a 0-3 deficit in the realm of a meaningless highlight video. Lafayette is right in this game according to the Ministry of Truth. Unfortunately, the Leopards have actually been outshot 38-12 at this point while committing 13 turnovers (that's one more turnover than shot). Navy was shooting 42.10 percent at this point while the Leopards were lighting it up with 25 percent accuracy. Also -- the Mids showed some mercy at this point and put Noah Pounds in the cage as John Connors was holding a 66.67 save percentage (seeing only nine shots on goal).

2:23: It's amazing! Navy won 18-4 without scoring a goal! That has to be a record!