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The Real Reasons Games Have Been Rescheduled This Weekend

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The truths herein are shocking.

Greg M. Cooper-USA TODAY Sports

Schools want you to believe that they're rescheduling games due to angry weather. This is not true. The weather -- bitter, biting cold often combined with snow and other forms of misery -- is purely a ruse to hide the true reasons that schools are rescheduling games. The mainstream media is working with these schools to push this ploy, and if you're falling for it you're a first-grade knucklehead.

College Crosse dusted off its investigative journalist trench coat and found out the real reasons that some schools have changed the times of its games this coming weekend. Prepare your face for the harsh reality of truth!

Two sources have confirmed that the District of Columbia is currently dealing with a violent uprising of the computers at the Internal Revenue Service. The computers are holding the city hostage and have given the District of Columbia until 11:00 A.M. on Sunday morning have the head of the H&R Block guy that screams "GET YOUR BILLIONS BACK, AMERICA!" brought to them. The District of Columbia is complying, but all activity in the city is at a standstill until his dome is located, detached from his body, and placed in front of the computers. Accordingly, Georgetown is unable to play Towson on Saturday as originally planned.

"Inclement weather." Yeah, right. You can fool sheep but you can't fool a journalism wolf. The real reason that Penn State-Villanova has been moved up an hour is that Philadelphia will no longer exist as an American city starting at 3:00 on Saturday. A highly-place sourced in the Department of State has confirmed that the United States government has a deal in place that will give Philadelphia to the Chinese government but the United States will be allowed to keep and nationalize Amoroso's Baking Company. The loss of Philadelphia will decrease America's anger quotient by an expected 12 percent due to feelings-prone WIP callers now directing their fury toward professional Chinese athletes.

The "#TogetherWeCan" hashtag is an important signal. The Central Intelligence Agency has issued an internal alert -- College Crosse has obtained the document -- warning that Monmouth and UMBC are plotting to hijack the broadcasts of all television networks across the globe this weekend and show a repeating marathon of Match Game '76. This coordinated effort -- one that has had its timeline accelerated due to the CIA's knowledge of the nefarious plans -- is designed to enslave the world's population with Charles Nelson Reilly's cackle at half-assed wisecracks and Richard Dawson's gentlemanly good looks. No man, woman, or child will be spared as all will wonder just how dumb Dumb Dora -- what kind of parent names their child Dumb Dora? -- is.