John Danowski Shops Local, May Be a Hipster

John Danowski rises from his slumber, wearily rubbing his eyes before putting on his horn-rimmed glasses. The prior night was one to remember: Entertaining dozens of his friends in his cramped $2,500 per month apartment/performance art studio, Danowski was finally able to synthesize an argument that correlated tax reform to the simple existence of Pabt's Blue Ribbon, eloquently identifying societal fissures that heretofore have made such sociological and economic theories incomprehensible. Now, though, Danowski had a bigger issue facing him: A growling stomach that demanded -- in persistent rumbles -- products from non-corporate entities.

Danowski slides on his favorite pair of skinny jeans, moseying to the door as his rotary phone rang and rang. There was no time to find out who was on the other end -- was it the patent office confirming that his mobile record player with earphones made out of Campbell's Soup cans was granted its long-awaited patent? was it the Smithsonian calling to finally affirm that the museum was going to erect an exhibit on the role of Chuck Taylors in contemporary America? -- because Danowski was in search of human combustion: 40 pounds of locally-grown kale.

Luckily, Danowski was within the hipster radius of all that he desired: The Durham Farmers' Market:

The vibe, man. The people, man. Monsanto just doesn't get it, man.