2014 NCAA Lacrosse Tournament: Incredible Semifinals Predictions Guaranteed to Come True

Anyone can pick winners and losers. It takes a special kind of prescience to know what -- exactly -- will happen during a game. Luckily, I have that kind of knowledge: I know exactly what is going to happen during the NCAA Tournament semifinal round. Here are a handful of things that are guaranteed to come true this weekend.

Predictions: Notre Dame-Maryland

• The second half with be decided through dance fighting. There will be massive casualties and refugees will flee to neighboring towns, setting up crude camps where they will tell tales of twerking and powerful jazz hands.
• Kevin Corrigan will become so enraged that he will burst into a poof of confetti, leaving only a trail of white and green streamers. People will take this as the sign of a celebratory parade, leading the Notre Dame marching band to play "Victory March." The game will be suspended due to irony.
• John Tillman will be fired midway through the second quarter. His replacement? Senator Bow-Wow, Ph.D., MBA -- a Jack Russell Terrier wearing a bow tie. His degrees are questionable (Pet Smart's accreditation is currently in review), but his adorableness is championship-caliber.

Predictions: Denver-Duke

• Eamon McAnaney will scream "RIGHT DOWN LOMBARD STREET!" after a Wes Berg goal. The goal will be waved off as it started well out of bounds, outside the stadium on a one-way street ("Illegal Procedure"). Furthermore, Lombard Street will be closed off due to a city inquiry from its planning department as that particular street is not zoned for lacrosse. McAnaney will be called to testify before Zoning Board to provide evidence against Berg for illegally conducting a trade or business on Lombard Street that was not properly licensed. Berg will be sentenced to "Forced Baltimore Residence" for his violation.
• In a last ditch effort to try and get Josh Dionne on the field, Duke's trainer will tell the senior attackman, "Put some Old Bay on it. It makes everything better." Dionne will comply but it will not work. Dionne, however, will become undeniably delicious.
• John Danowski will coach the entire game in an aristocrat's pajamawear. Nobody will notice or care.