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Incredible Quarterfinals Predictions Guaranteed to Come True

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Trust me. This stuff is going to happen.

Geoff Burke-US PRESSWIRE

Anyone can pick winners and losers. It takes a special kind of prescience to know what -- exactly -- will happen during a game. Luckily, I have that kind of knowledge: I know exactly what is going to happen during the NCAA Tournament quarterfinal round. Here are a handful of things that are guaranteed to come true this weekend.

Predictions: Bryant-Maryland

  • Charlie Raffa will get really angry and turn into a half-man, half-werewolf, half-machine, half-bad-at-fractions something. He will win zero faceoffs against Kevin Massa because the government will seize him as he comes out of the locker room so that he can be studied in a secret government laboratory located under the Potomac River.
  • Bryant will send three buses of supporters to Long Island but none will return as there will be a universal agreement to defect from Rhode Island. For some reason Sean Connery will make the decision while speaking in a horrible Southeastern New England accent.
  • The game will be delayed in the third quarter when some chucklehead from Levittown somehow gets his customized 1986 Thunderbird on the turf at Shuart Stadium and starts blowing donuts in the restraining area, pumping REO Speedwagon while wearing a cutoff t-shirt with "STRONG ISLAND, BRAH!" lettered on the front. He will receive a standing ovation from the crowd and be named "Eternal President of Long Island -- Yeah Buddy!" due to his efforts.

Predictions: Albany-Notre Dame

  • Lyle Thompson will be ruled ineligible prior to the game because he isn't freaking human.
  • Notre Dame will accumulate a ton of goals to keep pace with Albany in order to win the heart of an Albany supporter but the Albany supporter won't really pick who she wants to be with and then the Albany supporter -- driving Notre Dame's bus -- will run someone down on the Grand Central Parkway and then we all find out that Kevin Corrigan made his fortune as a bootlegger before he is killed at his estate.

Predictions: Johns Hopkins-Duke

  • Scientists will set up special sensors and collection devices to harness the smugness of the two fanbases, channeling the energy to a central plant that will power the eastern seaboard for the better part of the century. Supplemental sensors and collection devices will be placed in Syracuse, Chapel Hill, and College Park to record potentially useful quantities of smugness derived form schadenfreude, collected purely for export purposes.
  • The commentators for the game will not refer to any player by his actual name. Instead, they will refer to players the way that your mother refers to your childhood friends: "Real Piece of Work," "Bad Influence," "Rotten Apple," "Why Can't You Be More Like Him?" This will anger mothers everywhere as they realize they are being picked on, causing these mothers to make ESPN clean the gutters as punishment until ESPN's father gets home when ESPN "is gonna get it."

Predictions: Drexel-Denver

  • Zach Miller's ponytail will score three goals and be named Fabulous Ponytail of the Game by the rotting remains of Vidal Sassoon.
  • The game will halt in the second period when Bill Tierney interrupts play with the most beautiful reinterpretation of "Evita" that anyone has ever seen or heard. He will play all parts, bringing children to tears of joy and filling all of our hearts with emotion.