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Vitally Important Considerations: North Carolina-Duke

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Breaking down Heels-Devils through vitally important considerations.

USA TODAY Sports

Duke and Carolina's series history is tight:

  • Duke and North Carolina are meeting for the 70th time with the Tar Heels leading the series 39-30.
  • The Blue devils have won 16 of the last 18 meeting between the two schools. The Devils are 13-2 against Carolina under John Danowski.
  • North Carolina last defeated Duke in the regular season back in 2010, a win in Durham.
  • The Tar Heels went 30-1 against Duke from 1968-1995.

But none of that helps you determine which team you should put all of your American money on tomorrow at Koskinen Stadium. Here are nine factors that will ultimately influence the outcome of the game:

NORTH CAROLINA V. DUKE: VITALLY IMPORTANT CONSIDERATIONS
MEASURE NORTH CAROLINA DUKE ADVANTAGE
Team nickname translates, according to Google Translate, to what in Yoruba? Oda Ki Igigirise. Blue Eniyan Buburu. Oda Ki Igigirise born, Oda Ki Igigirise bred, when I die I'll be Oda Ki Igigirise dead.
Player with a last name that is also a spirit animal? Nope. (Jordan) Wolf. Duke.
Lyrics to Lisa Loeb's "Stay (I Missed You)" that best describes the team's 2014 season thus far? "You said that I was naive, and I thought that I was strong." (Referencing Carolina's rebound against Princeton and Bucknell after falling to Notre Dame.) "I'm only hearing negative: no, no, no." (Referencing Duke's consecutive losses to Maryland and Loyola.) The secretary at your office that plays this on loop during lunch.
Coach potentially has the training theme to "Punch-Out !!" on his iPod? Unlikely. 1,000,000,000,000,000% guaranteed. Duke.
School has a mascot that fights in the dumbest way possible for no particular reason with no definitive winner? "My ram brain hurts. Evolution has a ceiling." Bartering for souls is kind of genius given the strength of the souls market. Carolina's dumb mascot.
Is located in North Carolina? Yes. Sort of. (Imported from New Jersey.) Carolina?
Most ridiculous major or minor? Peace, War, and Defense. (I'm assuming this requires heavy study of "Civilization.") Canadian Studies (40 credits are earmarked for just eating poutine while another 30 are for properly pronouncing the word "toque.") Duke.
Claim to fame? Being near Duke. Being near North Carolina. Those with access to the National Highway System.
If the team had a CB radio handle, it'd be what? "Fireball." "Boatshoes." Verizon.

The tale of the vitally-important-considerations tape doesn't lie: It's a draw.